The Story of Every Halloween Ever OR Why You Need My Lack of Creativity in Your Life

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I am willing to admit something: I'm not huge on Halloween. I know, I know! I'm a terrible person. It's true, though. Ever since I stop ransacking the town for candy with nothing but my pillow case and a dream, Halloween hasn't been so appealing to me. There is one main reason for this: I can never think of a good costume.

I am not lying when I say that I have been a witch at least 8 times. Other than that, as far as pre-college goes, I think I've been a Dalmation (of the 101 variety), Pocahontas, a cheerleader (that was the miserable year I cried over my apparent chubbiness due to my mother putting me in a ridiculous amount of clothing underneath my costume), a cat, a hippie, a nerd (not much of a costume, am I right?), and a frazzled housewife. Considering I have been alive for 20 Halloweens, that's not a lot of variety.

My friends-- oh, my friends!-- they always had new and exciting costumes! They were good at costumes! One of my friends from childhood once wanted to be Sabrina the Teenage Witch (remember the '90s? Good times). Halloween night came and she didn't like her costume idea anymore. If this happened to me, extreme panic would have ensued. Not for her. She-- and I'm not making this up-- put on a weird hat and claimed that she was a snobby rich lady. Genius! I do not possess this mix of creativity and confidence when it comes to Halloween.

The Halloweens since I've been at college have been as uncreative as the ones of my wee years.

Freshman year: I didn't expect to get invited to a party, so I threw on a short dress, some make up, and character-like shoes and claimed I was a dancer. Of course, once you're at a dark party and everyone is clutching orange Solo cups, no one really cares that you're really not in a costume at all, but I was quite distraught. I vowed it would never happen again.

Sophomore year: Still unable to think of a creative-yet-cheap costume like everyone else in college ("yes, I'm a box of wine with a working tap!"), I scour the internet for weeks for the perfect packaged costume. Something cute yet slutty, because that's what Halloween is all about. Don't even try to give me that "scary" crap. You will be a slutty nun, or slutty cow, or a slutty cupcake, or a slutty ruler, and you will like it. I finally decided on a cute little Dorothy costume, and I was all excited, but then disaster struck. On Halloween day-- and this may be TMI, but we're mostly all women here-- I was struck by the most evil, heinous UTI that has ever been known to mankind. I spent the night alternatively chugging cranberry juice while sobbing and making trips to the bathroom in 45 second intervals.

This year: I got invited to a friend's house so we can party a bit there and then go to my school's annual Halloween drag ball/costume ball. Did I mention I just got invited two days ago? That means I wasn't expecting to do Halloween at all this year. No stress, no thinking about costumes, I thought. Nope. I was thrilled to be invited, but then the friend who invited me said those dreaded words: "so what are you dressing up as?" I knew I forgot something. So right now I am feverishly trying to decide between a couple of costumes I have lying around (including Dorothy-- the catch is that I forgot my red shoes, because I'm absolutely brilliant) and hoping I come to a satisfying decision come party time. Did I mention it's tonight? Yeah. Oh yeah.

I have accepted that I will never be the person who thinks to be a real-life Facebook or a Edgar Allen Poe or The Flying Spaghetti Monster. This doesn't mean I don't want to be that person, though. In college, your ability to come with a witty costume is very, very important and will make you very loved and popular and valuable to society. Mmhmm yes it will. But let's think of it this way: if every single person at the party is creative and unique, your Death Star costume isn't going to look so unusual and awesome (it will still take away the use of your hands). You need me in my store-bought, last-minute-decided, omg-next-day-shipping-because-I-forgot-it's-Halloween, sure-whatever-is-on-sale costume to make you look good.

You're welcome.


Do you have a go-to costume? What's the most creative costume you've ever worn for Halloween? What about the best costume you've seen someone else wearing?


P.S. Have a happy and safe Halloween, my dears!