On Trying on Dresses

via tatielle

I tried on my Senior Prom dress.

Well, it depends on how you define "tried on"; like, if "trying on" includes putting something on my body but not being able to zip it up all the way, that's totally what I did.

I knew it wouldn't fit, but I tried it on anyway. And to my surprise, I didn't cry or get overcome with a desire to never eat again. I tried it on, and it didn't fit, and that was pretty much that.

About three years ago when I fit into that dress, I was not the kind of woman I am today. I wore that dress to the Prom that I begged and pleaded my ex-boyfriend to attend with me, because I didn't want to go without a date. I was holding on to this naive, misguided hope that this ex-- who was, may I mention, emotionally abusive and using me for the sex and spare cash I was desperate enough to give-- would fall in love with me again, that that would be the night I'd ask him for the millionth time to go out with me again and he'd say "yes." That Prom night I cried in the middle of a swanky hotel in front of all of my friends because my ex decided to be a huge *ahem* douchebag to me. And then we went home and *ahem again* "made up." It was a time in my life that was profoundly lonely and surrounded by so little support that I mostly just retreated into myself. I wasn't strong enough-- I didn't love myself enough-- to stop settling.

Today I have a wonderful man in my life who treats me with kindness and respect. I am going to an esteemed university where I have finally learned to stop compromising and take a shot at what I'm passionate about. I'm not so afraid to speak my mind even if I have trouble getting up the courage to raise my hand in class. I don't look at my body as shameful or disgusting just because it isn't an image of someone else's ideal-- or my own. In fact, I feel more confident and attractive than ever. I feel as if I've truly grown into myself.

My mom accidentally deleted my account on our desktop computer where I had all the pictures of Skinny Vanessa, the me in size 4 jeans that still thought I was too fat. The last time I looked at those photos, I almost cried, and not because I missed being thin. I almost cried because I remember how I loathed and punished my body even though I had come so far and achieved something I thought I really wanted. But I didn't want skinny: I wanted loved.

The two are not synonymous.

And what does this mean for me and my prom dress? It means it's just a dress, a large swatch of fabric with a zipper and having nothing to do with my value as a woman or my happiness. Maybe I just had to grow out of a dress to realize it.

Ella, Ella, Ella, A, A....*

weheartit

Head on over to *eLLa* iNsPiReD and check out my contribution to the sure-to-be-inspiring Blog Carnival. This month, Ella is showcasing some of her favorite blog posts, and I happen to be kicking it off with my 8 Simple Ways to Love Yourself Better. I'm super flattered that I was chosen to take part in the Carnival, and I'd really appreciate it if you all go check it out. And keep going back the rest of this month, okay? I've seen the line-up, and there are going to be some really fun posts featured, so you won't want to miss out.

*My apologies for taking advantage of my one opportunity to reference Rihanna in a title.

Thankful

weheartit

Before I go off to spend the majority of my Thanksgiving wearing ugly non-slip shoes and covered in gravy, I just wanted to stop by and reflect on some of the things I am undeniably thankful for. Cheesy, right? A post about thanks and appreciation? Well, I hope you don't think so too much, because what I really mean is that I wanted to say thanks to you (yeah, you feel bad for that eye roll now, huh?)

I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this blog. Thank you for the comments. Thank you for the links. Thank you for the lurking. Thank you for the Twittering. Thank you for the e-mails (especially those of you who contacted me about dermatophagia and dermatillomania: you have brought me a sense of comfort that no amount therapy ever could). Just... thank you for spending a wee bit of your spare time at Chicken Soup for the Dorky Soul. There are a zillionty billion blogs out there you could be at right now, but you're here, and that brings the biggest smile to my face. In the past year or so-- when people actually started commenting, that is-- I've had the privilege of corresponding with so many amazing people. It's truly overwhelming. I hope that in the next year, I'll get to meet even more great people and continue developing friendships with those of you who already read. Seriously, if you're ever in Massachusetts, let me know and we'll meet for hugs and cheesecake.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

*This word struck as me as so strange looking that I checked the spelling at least three times.

Results May Vary

*Two words: Snuggie Sutra.

*You'll never feel the same about cleaning your bathroom. Hilarious.

*Care for some slam poetry? Two poems I've just discovered.

*A very compelling rant on why gay people should have equal rights.

i really loved this month's us vogue, so check it out. rest of this editorial here.

*Found this beautiful, inspiring animation via Hail Mary-- I seriously almost cried.

*Her morning elegance. Lots of videos today, huh?

*This is a diary written by a taxi driver with a PhD in Singapore. He tells stories about the people he encounters on the job. They're sad, joyous, and inspiring. I was especially touched by this one.

*Models are Smart.

camilla wellton jacket

*If you've played Ocarina of Time, you'll love this video about side quests.

*Someone programmed a bunch of roombas to play Pacman in real life.

*They Shoot Porn Stars Don't They is a really interesting read about (surprise!) the porn industry. I found it via Gala Darling.

*How do we stop population growth? Smaller families may be the answer we're looking for to reduce overpopulation issues. Jon and Kate, did you hear that?

weheartit

*It's a trade gap.

*Sophie Blackall illustrates missed connections ads.

*Michael Bay is ridiculous.

*A little bit of freakin' adorable to end the post: you know you wanna click.

nirrimi

*These are some of the things I'm loving this week, but results may vary. Let me know what you think in the comments!

This Would Be Great For One of Those Shock Videos

I opened my copy of US Vogue to a random page and saw this:

holy cate blanchett! ps. i don't have a scanner so forgive the streaky shinies. i did the best i could while keeping the color right.

It scared the bejeezums out of me.

Also, sorry I haven't been commenting on your lovely, lovely blogs for about a week now. I haven't had a whole lot of time to do so-- or write posts on my blog-- because school is getting a bit crazy. You know how when you're in college professors seem to have secret meetings where they decide when to drop the hammer and assign all the big, important, time-consuming assignments they've got up their sleeves all at once? That's now until the end of the semester for me. So if I'm not around quite as much, fear not, because I still love you, I'm just busy writing papers and taking cabs to East Oshkosh to conduct interviews. Fun stuff!

Look out for Results May Vary tomorrow and a brief Thanksgiving post, yes?

RIP Daul Kim

Daul Kim was found dead in her apartment this morning. The cause of death is yet to be determined, but is suspected to be suicide. She was only 20 years old.

Her last blog post on I LIKE TO FORK MYSELF was posted yesterday under the heading "say hi to forever."

Gaga for McQueen OR The 80 Thousandth Post About This on the Internet

I am, admittedly, not Lady Gaga's biggest fan. Honestly, I think the quality of her music is generally somewhere between mediocre and please kill me now if I have to listen to this one more time. I generally find her style less Isabella Blow and more Teenage Girl Alien Who Just Wants Attention (though I have a hunch that's what she's going for). There, I said it. Now don't hunt me down with pitchforks.

One thing I do have to give her props for, though, is her new video for "Bad Romance." The song is not my cup of tea at all. For the most part I'm not a fan of the video, since it strikes me as mostly a bad Thriller tribute (as one commenter said: "she's like Michael Jackson if he couldn't sing or dance"). HOWEVER, you won't believe what this woman accomplishes.

She walks.

In Spring 2010 Alexander McQueen heels.

No way?





















photos via style.com and screenshots from 'bad romance'

Way.

Write Love on Your Arms

photos courtesy of weheartit and the twloha facebook group.

"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery." -- from the To Write Love on Her Arms website.

my arm today.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
-- Plato

The Problem With Meep

I wanted to post about something else today, and if you want a real post where I write about actual things, you may want to go one post down and check out my money-saving celebration tips, but a gazillion Facebook statuses and news stories prompted me to mention something entirely different.

The high school I went to banned the word "meep."

Just sit back and process that for a second. Meep. Like what Beaker says. You know, that lovable Muppet who never gets a break.



Meep like that.

All I could gather from the annoyingly vague articles was that students suddenly started saying it all the time in a certain area of the school (rumor has it, where a much-maligned teacher who "looks like Beaker" has his classroom, though I can tell you he doesn't really at all and isn't a bad guy). And then, horror of all horrors, they started a Facebook group to organize a some sort of "disruption," which I can only guess would have been everyone going to a certain place and meeping at the same time. Which is, yes, disruptive and immature, especially if it's really being used to make fun of a teacher, but I doubt sending a phone call home to parents that their kids will be suspended from school if they meep is really the way to solve things. I mean, don't they always tell you that if someone is just being plain ol' annoying, ignore them and eventually they'll stop having fun and go away?

Now I don't know if "meep" has been given an actual meaning by the kids as Danvers High School. They say it has no meaning, but of course, I'm pretty sure kids wouldn't tell reporters that it has some offensive connotation. The principal says, however, that he doesn't see banning the word as an actual banning of the word, but of the disruptive conduct that's been paired with it. He is also setting up a forum for parents about Facebook and how children are using it (sometimes) for ill.

Really, I just wanted to share with you my pride in Danvers High School. See, back in my day, all we had were the football cheerleaders who got completely trashed before the only championship football game our team had pretty much ever been in ever and proceeded to resist arrest and pee in cop cars. Then there were the basketball cheerleaders who made a sex tape and distributed it by e-mail. And then we had a bomb threat that lasted several days, but that's pretty boring when you compare it to our other two major scandals.

Did I mention now if you type "meep" into Google, the first prompt is this:



Pride, people. Major pride.


What was the meepin' craziest thing that ever happened at your high school?

How to Celebrate an Anniversary on a College Kid Budget

from weheartit

Yesterday was my second anniversary with wonderful and oft-talked-about Luke. I'm going to avoid getting all mushy gooshy, but I love him to death. We're both very happy we made it to another milestone, and we can't wait to see what's in store for us from here.

We had some pretty nice plans for our anniversary, but it all got thwarted when we both found out we were in possession on a collective $150 in our checking accounts. Ouch. We decided to be responsible adults and cancel our plans for the sake of saving the cash we have until we're back working. It got us thinking, though, about how to celebrate an anniversary without spending a lot of money.*


Make the Gifts

Some of my favorite ideas? Make a mix CD with all the music that makes you think of him or here, with "your song" (if you have one) as the final track. Make a scrapbook out of all those Facebook photos, movie ticket stubs, loving doodles, and flower petals you have laying around. Decorate a small box and fill it with scraps of paper detailing all the little things you think are so wonderful about your boyfriend or girlfriend-- I gave one of these to Luke and I called it his "Self-Esteem Box." Put together a comic book depicting his or her proposal to go steady. Pretend you're a wee little child again and make a bracelet, necklace, or ring out of beads and stretchy string. As long as you put thought into it, your significant other is bound to love it, and all with minimal damage done to your wallet. If you're not into making gifts, though, try sitting down together and giving each other a strict budget. As long as you both stick to the rules, $15 won't feel cheap.

Research and Development

Decide ahead of time what you'd like to do, and then find out how much the special day will cost. Make phone calls and look at websites so you know exactly what you're getting into. You may have heard of a play on Saturday night that's "really cheap," but you don't want to find out at the ticket booth that it's actually way over your budget or that you needed your student ID to get in for a reduced price.

Remember: Your Student ID is Your Friend

Following up on the previous note, you student ID can be a Godsend when it comes to saving cash. For instance, back at home, I can go see a movie for $7 if I bring my Clark ID, versus the $10.50 it would run me without (and if you want to go to a movie, for goodness sakes, sneak in the candy! Ladies, bring a large purse and get a big bag of sweets to share at Target). Many plays and musicals have discounted "student rush" tickets, but they're usually limited in number and you have to buy them at a certain time (research this!). It may be possible that if you go to a town with a lot of colleges, you can get into events like dances and concerts at other universities as long as you have your card with you. Also, a lot of museums have student discounts, which is awesome because for a relatively low price, you can get an entire day's worth of activities.

Go Dutch

Splitting the cost of a date is often a huge relief, and going Dutch may even make a trip to somewhere pretty nice pretty doable. For instance, my boyfriend and I love going to The Cheesecake Factory, and when we're there the bill is usually around $40. It's a pretty pricey meal for young people who don't have "real" jobs, so it's a lot more enjoyable when we split it, since neither of us is worried about paying so much money or is feeling guilty that the other is spending half a day's pay on cheesecake and strawberry lemonade (best stuff ever).

Start a Special Occasion Savings Account

Why not? If everything's on the up-and-up and it doesn't seem like too big of a commitment, go to a bank you can both agree on (preferably one with a lot of ATMs in your area-- you don't want too many withdrawal fees) and start a joint savings account just for fun. It only takes a few minutes to set one up, and you don't even have to start with very much cash in it-- my bank requires a minimum balance of $5. Make a habit of each of you depositing into the account whenever there's a little extra cash to spare and watch it grow into something big and wonderful. I mean, let's say every week for one year, you put in $5 and your special person puts in $5. Now we do the math and.... voila! $520! How easy is that? And if you don't have a job during the school year, you can just put a little more away each week when you're on vacation-- or consider that the same $5 each during about 4 months of summer vacation would make for a cool $160. More than enough for dinner and a movie, am I right?


Work With What You Have

Okay, so let's see.... I have a nice new camera and plenty of free time. How about a photo scavenger hunt? Got a video game console? What about a [your favorite two-player game here] marathon (you could even start a new file and try to beat it in one sitting, or check out used games and buy something completely ridiculous on the cheap)? Have the box set for your favorite TV show or movie series? Microwave some popcorn, procure some sugary treats, and snuggle up together in your warmest blankets and watch from beginning to end. You met through a friend in a game of Monopoly? Borrow it if you don't have it and recreate that first encounter-- you know that game can keep you busy all day. Got a bed? Well, you see where that's going. You already have plenty to do if you take the time to really assess what you already have. I know you may have watched Family Guy together a zillion and one times, but if you set it up as something extra special, it will be extra special, trust me.


Forget What "Everyone Else" Does for Their Anniversary

If your best friend and his girlfriend went hot air ballooning over the Grand Canyon, who cares? I mean, that's pretty cool, but it's not you. You might feel jealous over what the people you know have done on their special days, but you have to remember that everyone is dealing with different circumstances. Maybe they dug into their savings, or got some free tickets, or asked their parents for a little extra cash to make the night amazing. That's all well and good, and I'm not knocking people who want to make something extravagant happen, but it's not necessary, especially if you're doing it just to keep up with the Joneses. Comparing your situation to someone else's can really screw with your standards.

ANECDOTE ALERT: When my boyfriend and I started casually looking at engagement rings (just for fun-- we're not planning on getting hitched for a few years yet), I had in mind a single ring a friend had shown me when she was briefly engaged. It cost $700-- cheap by engagement ring standards-- and was 1/2 carot. I thought it was beautiful, and when we first got roped into trying rings on by a very eager saleslady at Kay's, it was all I wanted to see. In fact, I tried on the 1 carot version of the ring and thought it was way too big. But as I got caught up in the joy of looking at all these rings and reading about diamonds online, I got more and more convinced the ring I liked wasn't "good" enough. It was too small, too low quality, and from a mall jewelry store. The more I read, the more I thought we'd have to find a big ring at some swanky store that my boyfriend on his what-will-then-be-law-student budget would have to save up thousands just for this one gesture. I did try on a ring at Zales that I was in love with, but found out after I was drooling over it that it was almost $3000. The boyfriend started sweating at that point, but I wouldn't ask him to spend that much, especially when we're just starting our lives together. But still, I kept thinking about what if my friends aren't impressed by my ring? Who cares? All that matters is you. If you think your ring is special and wonderful and amazing, everyone else's opinions can screw off.

A long example, maybe, but all I'm trying to say is that the more you allow yourself to make value judgements based on what everyone else is doing, the more you may fall into the trap of becoming dissatisfied with what you might really want. You can spend whatever your heart desires to on your anniversary, whether that be nothing or your life's savings.


How do you-- or would like to-- celebrate your anniversary? Got any of your own patent-pending money-saving tips for the financially challenged?


*We haven't celebrated yet, but we're contemplating taking Clark's free mall shuttle to try Red Robin for the first time-- they've got seriously tantalizing commercials, people.