Saturday, December 26, 2009
Letters to Fad Diets
Dear Fad Diets,
This is just to inform you that I've had it with you. This is my Dear John Letter of sorts. I mean, we got along pretty great at first, I know. I really liked Zone Bars and living off Slim Fast, and grapefruit is pretty good, I will admit. You guys have your redeeming qualities like that. For awhile. I just can't commit to anything long term with the likes of you. A girl cannot live on meal replacements alone.
I'm writing to you right now because I know you're looking for new relationships, and you're going to get offers, what with The New Year coming up. People will be resolving to lose weight, and you're going to swoop in while they're feeling vulnerable. I know you. I know you will. But the thing is, you're don't seem to be made for healthy relationships. You're not going to let your girlfriend have a piece of cake once in awhile or have dinner out with her friends or just feel good about her body. That's the thing, Fad Diets: you don't make people feel good about themselves.
Fad Diets, you like to punish people for being who they are. You don't believe that everyone is gorgeous already. But somehow, somehow, you make people feel like they are better when they're with you, when in reality they should be with someone much more supportive, like Healthy Lifestyles. Healthy Lifestyles is the kind of guy/girl that doesn't believe you can cheat on a diet, because there are no diets, only life, and sometimes in life offers you pie with no ulterior motives at all. Healthy Lifestyles wants you to exercise for 30 minutes five to seven days a week to keep your heart healthy, not to exercise obsessively, hurting your body and making you feel generally bad. Healthy Lifestyles doesn't make you eat bars of low calorie food-like substance because you're not responsible enough to trust yourself to eat food that's good for you-- and you can trust yourself to do it, only it takes some hard work and getting used to at first. And the best thing about Healthy Lifestyles? He believes in beauty-- and fitness-- at all sizes. He believes you're hot and awesome no matter what size your pants are.
Fad Diets, you are the bad boy leaning against the chain link fence outside the school yard smoking Marlboros, smirking as if you have all these secrets to a new, inspiring, exciting life, when really you're just a guy in a nice leather jacket who will leave all the girls disappointed and with a reputation. He makes fun of you when you're not around. Healthy Lifestyles is the nice guy who maybe doesn't look so appealing at first, but if you put some time and effort into getting to know him, you realize he's really super cute and loads of fun. And did I mention good for your self esteem? He's always complimenting you, 'cause he appreciates you for who are, you see.
So, Fad Diets, I can't commit to you. And I don't want to. You're no good for me, you see. You're no good for anyone, really. If I went back to you, everything would seem great for awhile, but really I'd feel like crap about myself, and eventually you'd leave me because you're just not the kind of guy to settle down. I'm leaving.