Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Ten Things You Have to Do to Become a Hipster
Nowdays, you're either a hipster or you want to be a hipster. Except if you want to be a hipster, you probably hate hipsters, too. That’s okay, since it’s very ironic: you’re already on your way to hipsterdom! But how do you go the whole way? Consider these ten simple, totally-not-mainstream steps you can take to become the Kafka-reading, PBR-drinking 20-something you’ve always dreamed of being.
Wear a Hipster Scarf
If there is one absolute hipster requirement, it is the hipster scarf, also known as a keffiyeh. Sure, it’s a symbol of Palestinian nationalism in the Middle East, but that just makes it a more fashionable version of a Che Guevara T-shirt, right? Tie it around your neck carefully but with nonchalance.
Only Appreciate Obscurity
If you want to be a hipster, you can’t listen to The Beatles, or Lady Gaga, or T-Pain—none of that is authentic. Why? Because it’s mainstream, and if there’s anything you don’t want to be, it’s mainstream. You’re special. You listen to bands no one’s heard of and watch black-and-white movies that are “so superior to those old Hitchcock films.” PRO-TIP: They are called films, you plebian.
Wear Clothing Ironically
I once went to a poetry reading where I overheard a guy in a shirt that read “Have a Coke and a smile” explaining that he wears it to make a statement about how stupid it is to believe that you can get joy from a corporate product. So what did this guy do? Buy a product from the Coca-Cola Corporation in order to fight The Man (actually, he probably thrifted it). Hipster win. This is an excellent example of clothing irony. Flannel shirts, grandpa sweaters, T-shirts with obscure ‘80s TV show references, and sports-related apparel are also highly ironic. The lumberjack look? Totally cool. Remember, clothing shows who you are by showing who you aren’t. Master this concept before continuing.
Become Fake Vegan
Hipsters stay so thin and pretentious by burning serious calories explaining their moral stance on factory farming, buying local, and eating textured vegetable protein instead of meat. You don’t actually have to believe in these things, since you’re just doing it to be trendy. Many hipsters claim to be vegetarian or vegan, but are actually flexitarian—“I only eat meat when it’s served to me at parties or if I really feel like sushi”— behind the scenes.
Work for American Apparel
Studies conducted at the University of Williamsburg New York show that 99% of all hipsters have worked for American Apparel, and 98% of that 99% have been photographed in a compromising position for their ads.
Grow a Moustache
I know this doesn’t apply to you lady-hipsters-to-be, but a moustache is absolutely essential. Have you ever seen a male hipster without a moustache? Didn’t think so.
Nerd/Old Lady Glasses
Glasses are to be thick-rimmed and as large as possible. If you aren’t visually impaired, don’t worry: you can buy fake glasses at Urban Outfitters—or you could just punch the lenses out of your grandma’s old specs.
Forget Crotch Support
Comfort is for conformists, right?
Get Inked and/or Pierced
You need a chest tattoo—and the larger it is, the better. If you want to be especially edgy, consider an unpopular animal, a quote from a book you didn’t really read, or something you hate (irony, remember?). You could even try a moustache tattoo; they generally go on your finger, but I can only imagine how non-conformist it would look on your chest. It’s also worth noting that there are few hipsters that can resist a good piercing: facial piercing, such as septum rings, will help you blend right in.
Three Words: Get a Mac
I know, I know, you’re not supposed to be into the mainstream, but Mac laptops are the exception to the rule. Hipsters love Macs because they are a youth culture’s absolute symbol of elitism. A Mac costs hundreds of dollars more than a PC and does less; Macs are essentially computers for beginners. Mac owners will claim that they like their computers because they never get viruses. That is a lie: they like them because they look so totally minimalist and only have to be able to access the Cobra Snake website anyway.