If You Want to Make Me Nervous, Wear a Ski Mask

The more I browse the internet, the more often I find myself completely speechless over the things I find. I really don't know what else to say about giant ski masks with moustaches screened onto them except for the fact THEY ARE GOSH DARN SKI MASKS WITH MOUSTACHES SCREENED ONTO THEM! I think if I saw someone actually wearing one of these, I would laugh, and not in the way they intended to me to, all "haha, you are so hip and witty and do not look sketchy at all," but instead more like "haha, what the hell are you doing with a grey bag on your head?" And I mean, furthermore, isn't the ski mask kind've the universal sign (of choking? that's not it) of being a dangerous person? And not Dangerous like a kickass Michael Jackson tour, or dangerous like my middle name, or dangerous like picking up a gopher that is curiously foaming at the mouth-- I am talking dangerous like rape you and take all the money out from under your mattress, snag the TV, and write creepy messages in blood on the wall (it'll take a lot of Oxy-Clean to get that stain off). I see a guy in a ski mask, and I cross the street, no questions asked, silly moustache or no. I guess they made a good choice of not making the color Dangerous and Nervousing Black, but still. American Apparel, you make no sense to me.

$14 at americanapparel.net

P.S. I realize I have made no reference to the fact that you could wear these while skiing, because ski masks are made for keeping your nose from falling off your face (did I just make two Michael Jackson references in one post without even meaning to?), but I am fully aware of that and I still think that you would just look like a criminal running from the law on skis, so my point still stands.

Seriously, American Apparel?

I guess I see the logic here. The model FINALLY gnawed through the ropes holding her captive in Dov's sex dungeon, but it was totally, like, January or something, so she couldn't just leave the house in a see-through leotard and leggings. So she grabbed a unisex sheer jersey scarf before heading out the door. Of course, in her panic she forgot that, when you're wearing a see-through leotard and leggings, you're still going to be cold and humiliated no matter what you wear around your neck.

I'll Take "Clothing Lines That Make Me Uncomfortable" for $500, Alex

I always think that the next time I go to the American Apparel site, I'm going to be way less creeped out than the last time. "Maybe I was just imagining how pornographic this all seems," I tell myself. By pornographic, I mean pornographic on a totally different level than, say, Abercrombie&Fitch. Those models look like they want to be photographed. They made a decision to be a pictured practically naked on a giant poster in a dimly lit rave-like environment for teenagers and disapproving mothers everywhere to see. American Apparel models, however, look like Dov Charney chased their underage-looking behinds down in the forest, captured them (perhaps they would've fared better wearing sweatshorts?), and keeps them in cages, only freeing them to put them in cheaply-made neon leggings.

Oh, to be so lucky as to have ugly leggings....

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Do you see any common threads in these models? Here, I'll help:

1) A complete lack of life in the eyes that conveys a sense of hopelessness. In fact, I would go so far as to call it a void. See the void?

2) A complete lack of pants where there really ought to be pants.

3) Nipples (the second one is much more subtle). These are by far not the most extreme examples of nippleage on the American Apparel site (and there are many; in fact, pretty much every picture is a wardrobe malfunction), but I feel like this would enter into the realm of being pornographic if I showed you those.

4) You get the impression that these models are--for a lack of better terminology-- completely cracked out. They aren't really standing on their own, actually. They're like the fake trees you set up for the Christmas play in elementary school, propped up by cheap planks of wood. Especially the second girl.

5) Subtle fear.

There is something so utterly wrong about this. If those pictures and my handy-dandy list don't convince you, visit http://www.americanapparel.net/ and see for yourself. But maybe don't buy anything. I don't know about you, but it would make me feel all icky inside.

Someday, I will break into American Apparel headquarters and unlock all the dungeons, break all the shackles, and free these girls. "Run free, exploited models, run free!" I would cry. And then I would take them out for jeans and bras and methadone.