If You Want to Make Me Nervous, Wear a Ski Mask

The more I browse the internet, the more often I find myself completely speechless over the things I find. I really don't know what else to say about giant ski masks with moustaches screened onto them except for the fact THEY ARE GOSH DARN SKI MASKS WITH MOUSTACHES SCREENED ONTO THEM! I think if I saw someone actually wearing one of these, I would laugh, and not in the way they intended to me to, all "haha, you are so hip and witty and do not look sketchy at all," but instead more like "haha, what the hell are you doing with a grey bag on your head?" And I mean, furthermore, isn't the ski mask kind've the universal sign (of choking? that's not it) of being a dangerous person? And not Dangerous like a kickass Michael Jackson tour, or dangerous like my middle name, or dangerous like picking up a gopher that is curiously foaming at the mouth-- I am talking dangerous like rape you and take all the money out from under your mattress, snag the TV, and write creepy messages in blood on the wall (it'll take a lot of Oxy-Clean to get that stain off). I see a guy in a ski mask, and I cross the street, no questions asked, silly moustache or no. I guess they made a good choice of not making the color Dangerous and Nervousing Black, but still. American Apparel, you make no sense to me.

$14 at americanapparel.net

P.S. I realize I have made no reference to the fact that you could wear these while skiing, because ski masks are made for keeping your nose from falling off your face (did I just make two Michael Jackson references in one post without even meaning to?), but I am fully aware of that and I still think that you would just look like a criminal running from the law on skis, so my point still stands.