Thursday, November 1, 2007

Zebra Ho?

There once was a pop tart named Britney;
Her taste in Halloween get-ups was shitty.
Her hands were eaten by feathers,
Her skin resembled tanned leather--
At this rate, she'll never recover her kiddies!

Seriously, Britney. Part of me wishes you would pull yourself together. Sure, Pamela Anderson's kids will someday have to deal with the sex tape, but your children are going to have to come to terms with something far worse: constant public displays of tackiness. It's admittedly a bad idea to imply that Pam Anderson isn't publicly tacky, but work with me, Brit. At least, you know, it's normal for your boobs to be on display in a porn video with your husband. And, arguably, Tommy and Pammy didn't intend for anyone to see that. But this Halloween. This is you going out into public-- where you will be photographed-- knowing that you look like your boobs have seen 80 more years of life than you have. Sure, Halloween is a great excuse to be anything in the world you want to be but skankier. This is extreme. This is not okay. I'm not going to say anything about how your hair looks like you haven't showered in days and you need to touch up those roots a bit, or the fact that you're rockin' a double chin, because that's a bad photography issue. I mean, if I could be as gigantic as you are according to the media, I'd be pretty damn happy. But that's another story.

Britney, there is no such thing as a pink zebra. Is that what you're supposed to be? My God, woman, I don't even know what you're trying to be in this picture! Did the package this came out of say "Zebra Stripper Who Fell Into A Cotton Candy Machine, Got Pink Ducks Stuck to its Hooves, Had Parts of its Skin Eaten Off by Lions, and Used Mesh/Fishnets to Cover the Wounds"?

For the sake of the children, Britney. The only thing that could make this worse if you were wearing matching Crocs, but I can't prove that.

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