Friday, November 2, 2007

Sir, No, Sir!

Okay, so here's the thing: camoflage is an excellent way for soldiers to hide from their enemies. It is also a great way for civilians to become my enemies.

I will admit that I have an actual Marine Corps hat that was given to me by a U.S. Marine. I will say I have worn it in public. But keep in mind that I have not worn it, say, with a dress. Camoflage is not formal wear. Have you ever noticed that, in the military, they have formal dress uniforms (camoflage is commonly relagated to the realm of the "battle dress uniform")? See? Those are sharp, don't you agree? Even if you don't, just take note of the fact that nothing in that picture is "woodland" or "desert" or generally splotches of protective coloring. Even the military ackowledges that there is a time to be functional and a time to be fashionable.

This is an actual boot you can find in the women's section of Macy's online. I mean, c'mon, really? Really, Tommy Hilfiger? I didn't want to shame the man who made this and I didn't want anyone to see this and go buy it, but let's just say this is made by Tommy Hilfiger and it just might be $98 more than it's worth.

This is a million horrible things in one, so much so that I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say. First of all, the long peasant skirt trend is sort've dead and is usually extremely unflattering. It ruins any chances you ever had of looking tall and lean. Then you have the shoes. She doesn't even redeem this outfit with cute shoes! Those are the ugliest, clunkiest, least imaginative flip-flops I have ever seen. And then there's the camo, which just makes
this skirt exponentially worse than it would've been if it were a solid color. Camo hides you in the jungle. It does not hide your body's flaws. Hard to believe, I know. But if you're carrying a spare tire and you decide to wrap it in camo, everyone will see. Camo draws attention to you. Because everyone likes to laugh.

I know what you're going to say: "But, Vanessa, this is obviously a Halloween costume! She's obviously dressed up as a Slutty Sargeant." Oh, reader, how I wish that were true. This is from an actual online catalog. The ad for the skirt, but that's almost the least of her problems. Though I always think a camo skirt is hilarious. They remind me of 8th grade girls who think they're going to look hardcore and jail-bait sexy at the same time. That's what I always figure they're going for. Anyway, let's talk about how she's gone for a camo top. Yes, it's a catalog that's trying to sell camo clothing and is trying to kill two birds with one stone, but let's pretend this is a real outfit. It might as well be. Camo on camo is overkill. If you're going to wear camo-- and I really wish you wouldn't-- oh my lord, please don't make it into a theme outfit. That alone makes it look very costumey, but the boots just take it to the next level of camp. I really don't know what to say about the boots. They're so wrong with this outfit. So. Wrong. I'm overwhelmed.

I was planning on having a really cute post full of cute things. But that's going to have to wait. You can't look at those cute pictures I found quite yet because you, or someone you know, or someone you went to middle school with wore camo as a fashion statement. And that garners you a Section Eight in my book.

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