Win a Copy of Closet Confidential!

As many of you on the Blogosphere (did I seriously just say that?) already know, Winona of Daddy Likey wrote her very own style book! You've probably seen the funny, fabulous guide, Closet Confidential: Style Secrets Learned the Hard Way, on some of your favorite blogs as well as sites like Mod Cloth and Amazon, but maybe you haven't acquired your own copy yet. The book will run you $18.99, which is none too shabby, but if you don't have the cash or you just love free stuff, why not get your copy for free? Handbag Heaven is giving away 5 copies of the Closet Confidential to some very lucky commentors, and I really hope you'll all go try your luck at winning it.

What can you do to win? You have 3 options:

1. Tweet it.
2. Blog it.
3. Facebook it.

There are more specific instructions on the site, of course. What are you waiting for?

I Have Lost My Faith in Humanity

That's it. I quit the world. I cannot continue living in a society that would allow something like this to happen. You see what you did, humanity? I don't love you anymore.

The First Step to Recovery is Admitting You're Wrong.

(this actually costs money at american apparel)

You're wrong.

PSA

I think that everyone should be allowed to dress in a way that gives one personal satisfaction... within reason. I have a vendetta against Crocs. No one could look decent in Crocs. Johnny Depp would become only mildly attractive in Crocs. I'm angry at how Crocs have decided that they have the right to invade the realm of high heels and actual apparel, but that's not what I want to talk about.

I work at the restaurant of a yacht club. Classy, I know. I fetch your rolls with a fetching smile and the perfect amount of perk. "Thaaaanks!" I say, with way too many "a"s and cheer in response to a compliment. "Ya welcome," I reply to your grateful words (God help me, I'm such a Bostonian sometimes, but it's endearing). I'm probably the most adorable waitress there, or at least the one most enthusiastic about her job. I've only been waitressing for about 6 months, so I still harbor idealistic hopes for my future, unlike the haggard older waitresses who have realized that this is it. We actually have one woman who works there who is a talented singer, but her career never got off the ground.

Anyway, waitressing requires practical footwear. Not heels. You will slip and die. I wear an old pair of shoes I got for marching band, because they're good for not falling, which is an important aspect of my job. Some of the younger servers have decided that it is somehow okay to wear Crocs at work. They say they're "comfortable" and "practical" (Clinton and Stacy are dying a little inside as I type such words). They say that they're "non-slip." I'm not saying band shoes are attractive. Far from it. But they're practical without making me look brain-damaged. Our managers told us several months ago that Crocs are not allowed, as they're made of rubber, which is not impervious to sharp objects. They also have holes, which are not impervious to scalding liquids. They also have ugliness, which is not professional.

It's Thanksgiving, which means ever waiter and waitress in the place is running around frantically. Was table 54's dewars on the rocks or straight up? Did I give 67 their rolls? Good God, I have a reservation for table 48 in 5 minutes and the busboy hasn't set it yet!

The least of one's concerns should be how to stop their foot from bleeding profusely.

In a quiet moment, I am minding my own business in back when one of the Croc-roaches hops her way back there with me and sits down, followed by another waitress and our tiny manager, who tells her she'll go get the first aid kit. The girl's foot is bleeding. Apparently there was broken glass on the floor-- as there tends to be on very busy nights when people are dropping things and hurriedly cleaning them-- and it went right through her precious Croc and pierced her foot.

Am I a bad person for wanting to go up to her and say "Serves you right for wearing those hideous things that you've been told not to wear! Whore!" The "whore" would just be to drive the point home. You know, add insult to injury.

Am I a bad person if I sort've think of this as a Thanksgiving miracle?

The Moral of the Story: if you wear Crocs, you get what you deserve in the form of jagged, dirty glass creating a very uncomfortable puncture wound in the bottom of your foot.

Sir, No, Sir!

Okay, so here's the thing: camoflage is an excellent way for soldiers to hide from their enemies. It is also a great way for civilians to become my enemies.

I will admit that I have an actual Marine Corps hat that was given to me by a U.S. Marine. I will say I have worn it in public. But keep in mind that I have not worn it, say, with a dress. Camoflage is not formal wear. Have you ever noticed that, in the military, they have formal dress uniforms (camoflage is commonly relagated to the realm of the "battle dress uniform")? See? Those are sharp, don't you agree? Even if you don't, just take note of the fact that nothing in that picture is "woodland" or "desert" or generally splotches of protective coloring. Even the military ackowledges that there is a time to be functional and a time to be fashionable.


This is an actual boot you can find in the women's section of Macy's online. I mean, c'mon, really? Really, Tommy Hilfiger? I didn't want to shame the man who made this and I didn't want anyone to see this and go buy it, but let's just say this is made by Tommy Hilfiger and it just might be $98 more than it's worth.

This is a million horrible things in one, so much so that I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say. First of all, the long peasant skirt trend is sort've dead and is usually extremely unflattering. It ruins any chances you ever had of looking tall and lean. Then you have the shoes. She doesn't even redeem this outfit with cute shoes! Those are the ugliest, clunkiest, least imaginative flip-flops I have ever seen. And then there's the camo, which just makes

this skirt exponentially worse than it would've been if it were a solid color. Camo hides you in the jungle. It does not hide your body's flaws. Hard to believe, I know. But if you're carrying a spare tire and you decide to wrap it in camo, everyone will see. Camo draws attention to you. Because everyone likes to laugh.

I know what you're going to say: "But, Vanessa, this is obviously a Halloween costume! She's obviously dressed up as a Slutty Sargeant." Oh, reader, how I wish that were true. This is from an actual online catalog. The ad for the skirt, but that's almost the least of her problems. Though I always think a camo skirt is hilarious. They remind me of 8th grade girls who think they're going to look hardcore and jail-bait sexy at the same time. That's what I always figure they're going for. Anyway, let's talk about how she's gone for a camo top. Yes, it's a catalog that's trying to sell camo clothing and is trying to kill two birds with one stone, but let's pretend this is a real outfit. It might as well be. Camo on camo is overkill. If you're going to wear camo-- and I really wish you wouldn't-- oh my lord, please don't make it into a theme outfit. That alone makes it look very costumey, but the boots just take it to the next level of camp. I really don't know what to say about the boots. They're so wrong with this outfit. So. Wrong. I'm overwhelmed.

I was planning on having a really cute post full of cute things. But that's going to have to wait. You can't look at those cute pictures I found quite yet because you, or someone you know, or someone you went to middle school with wore camo as a fashion statement. And that garners you a Section Eight in my book.

Zebra Ho?

There once was a pop tart named Britney;

Her taste in Halloween get-ups was shitty.

Her hands were eaten by feathers,

Her skin resembled tanned leather--

At this rate, she'll never recover her kiddies!

Seriously, Britney. Part of me wishes you would pull yourself together. Sure, Pamela Anderson's kids will someday have to deal with the sex tape, but your children are going to have to come to terms with something far worse: constant public displays of tackiness. It's admittedly a bad idea to imply that Pam Anderson isn't publicly tacky, but work with me, Brit. At least, you know, it's normal for your boobs to be on display in a porn video with your husband. And, arguably, Tommy and Pammy didn't intend for anyone to see that. But this Halloween. This is you going out into public-- where you will be photographed-- knowing that you look like your boobs have seen 80 more years of life than you have. Sure, Halloween is a great excuse to be anything in the world you want to be but skankier. This is extreme. This is not okay. I'm not going to say anything about how your hair looks like you haven't showered in days and you need to touch up those roots a bit, or the fact that you're rockin' a double chin, because that's a bad photography issue. I mean, if I could be as gigantic as you are according to the media, I'd be pretty damn happy. But that's another story.

Britney, there is no such thing as a pink zebra. Is that what you're supposed to be? My God, woman, I don't even know what you're trying to be in this picture! Did the package this came out of say "Zebra Stripper Who Fell Into A Cotton Candy Machine, Got Pink Ducks Stuck to its Hooves, Had Parts of its Skin Eaten Off by Lions, and Used Mesh/Fishnets to Cover the Wounds"?

For the sake of the children, Britney. The only thing that could make this worse if you were wearing matching Crocs, but I can't prove that.

The Last Plastic Straw

You can mess with my enjoyment of the garden. You can foul up the bottom half of humans everywhere. You can make flats that look awfully cute from afar but that are actually made of rubber and thus make me lock myself in the bathroom and cry. You can tear off a child's toe. But you cannot-- I repeat-- CANNOT mess with men's dress shoes. You cannot try to make me believe that some guy is actually looking classy, like in a suit and everything (and we all know it can be a chore to get a guy in a suit) only to discover that what he is wearing is Crocs. No. I will not allow this. Stop the madness, for the love of fashion! For the love of your toes!

The anti-Christ

Just be grateful that I couldn't get this picture any bigger.