Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Weekend in the Life of a College Student

Nicest. Day. Ever. My boyfriend and I sat around outside after our classes were over to wait for the van our school has to take students to malls on the weekends. It looks like a rape van. Seriously. The only difference is that it has windows. Real rape vans don't have windows, for obvious reasons. We sat outside in the sun and I made phone calls to my best friend in Texas and my mother while we doodled pictures of people having sex in my abnormal pyschology notebook. I always fear that one day, someone will want to borrow one of my notebooks and they'll flip to a page with poorly-drawn penises and naked chicks all over it and think I'm the sketchiest person in the entire world and probably never talk to me again.

We got to the mall, where our only order of business was for Luke to buy his broke ass a copy of Resident Evil 5. I am serious when I say that he and I had a conversation about how he should conserve the last then-170 dollars he had, and his plan turns out to be that he will buy Resident Evil 5 (done) and then spend the rest on a refill of his prescription (ulcerative colitis in the house!), Ritz crackers, and giant jars of peanut butter, of which he can polish off about 40 oz in, oh, a week. This is a

Needless to say, we have barely talked in the past few days, as he's been very busy saving the world from Las Plagas or whatever the hell it is that causes giant parasites to pop out of people's heads when you shoot them in the face a few times.

Luke finished Resident Evil 5-- the boy is good. I sat around for most of the day contemplating beginning a paper about Othello and how Iago is a fuckin' badass. Unfortunately, "Iago is a fuckin' badass" can't be my thesis statement (my TA would love it, though), so I'm going to discuss how he's a vice character instead. I thought a lot about this for about ten minutes and then proceeded to play DS, look at blogs, and try to beat my current high score in Bejeweled on Facebook. When I play mindless games, sometimes I like to pretend I'm some kind of world-renowned champion at it. There's, like, this big crowd marveling at how awesome I am (kind've like in Dragon Ball Z when some guy is going super Saiyan and everyone's discussing how he's using the hotsu-totsu-matsu-batsu technique), and they're giving me prizes, and I'm facing adversity in the form of ex-boyfriend's sister who somehow manages to score like a million every time, but I eventually overcome and become the champion of Bejeweled-- nay, the world! Does anyone else do this or should I be really embarrassed about what a loser I am?

Then we saw the worst production of FAME in the entire world of musical theatre. I asked Luke at intermission if he wanted to just go and never come back to that horrible place, but we stayed, and it got worse. I always figured that in college, the theatre majors would make up the entire cast of every show, so the singing and the acting and the dancing would be, you know, good. Yeah, no. A lot of the performers are the kind of people that you feel embarrassed for and kind've cry on the inside when they open their mouths, and you just want it to be over for their sake. All of this applies most specifically to the dude with the lead role. The kicker? We were sitting behind the entire family of the kid who was playing the lead role. They gave a standing ovation. We resisted.

After that, Luke began replaying Resident Evil 5 with our friend Dan, who speaks almost solely in sexual innuendo. It was hilarious, and then I fell asleep from how exciting my day obviously was.

Luke and I awoke at noon, ate a mediocre lunch, and he continued replaying his videogame while I thought more about how I should start writing that paper and be a really good kid. Playing Phantom Hourglass is a lot like writing a paper about Othello. I mean, Bellum is a bitch and wants to fuck up everyone's lives, there is a girl who Link probably contemplates killing at some point, there's... okay, it's nothing like writing a paper about Othello.

I had an ice cream sundae for dessert, though, which was really exciting because it had and sprinkles and heath bar bits on it. Right now, Luke and I are getting ready to watch our favorite new trashy show on VH1. It's called Tough Love and it's about a bunch of bumbling women who can't get a man and the kind've Guido-y guy who's going to teach them how to stop sucking and find prince charming. The best parts are when he tells a girl to put away her "fun-bags" or he gets a bunch of men to say their candid opinions about these pretty relationally stupid women, and the women get all defensive and totally think there's nothing wrong with telling a man the first time she meets him that she plans to get married at 25, please and thank you. I recommend you watch it. It's hilarious. I'm so glad there's finally a reality show on VH1 that isn't about a D-list celebrity trying to find love, even though I live for that crap, too.

So that's what weekends are like at college.

The End.

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