On Secret Admiring and First Love Lost

the berry

Brian Jacques, the author of the Redwall book series, died on February 7th, 2011. As a child, I really loved these stories about little animals valiantly fighting wars and doing courageous deeds. I had almost the entire series, though I don't think I got around to reading all of them. This, however, is not the point. When I heard that Jacques had died it brought up some memories that I haven't thought about in a very long time, and I wanted to share that with you.

When I was in the second grade there was a little brown-haired boy with a bowl cut-- we all knew one, though, didn't we? His name was Matt and he was one of my closest friends. I was one of his only friends. He was a little shy, for starters, and everyone thought it was weird that he didn't want to celebrate Halloween. He had a Bible in his desk next to his copy of Martin the Warrior, his favorite Redwall book. He read those two books almost exclusively during reading time. 

He was also weird because he didn't have a dad. His father had died of cancer and for whatever reason-- the cruelty of young, naive children-- this was another thing he was targeted. People made fun of him because he didn't have a dad. I imagine now that the teasing was more out of the lack of an ability to understand what all that meant. I like to think that now these same kids would never taunt someone for losing a parent, but back then that's how it was. Matt was ostracized for being awkward, insecure, and fatherless.

But I liked Matt. I liked him liked him. We talked about his books and played pretend during recess. We were brave, strong wolves back then and would sit beneath the bushes fleshing out our mythology. We probably got along so well because I was a little strange, too, but mostly just nerdy. Though I had several good friends of my own, it was he and I who formed a pack and thus it was my job to protect him. It didn't feel like a betrayal, though, that I drafted dozens of letters from "your secret admirer" to slip in his cubby when he wasn't looking. I'm sure the letters told him how cute he was and that I liked his hair and his smarts and check "yes" or "no" do you love me, too? Love, your secret admirer. He'd never guess even if I'd wanted him to.

My girl friends were jealous of Matt. I spent a lot of time with him, often favoring quiet recesses with him over jump rope or four square (I was woefully uncoordinated anyway). One afternoon as these girls and I played tag, I noticed Matt sitting by himself. He was crying.

"I'm going to go play with Matt," I said (probably-- I obviously don't remember exactly). "I think he's crying." 

"You can't go," one of the girls said. 

"You play with him too much. Just because you love him," another chimed.

"You never play with us anymore," the first continued. "You don't even like us, do you? You don't like us anymore, Vanessa?"

"I like you," I said, "but I need to go help him."

"If you go over there," said my best friend at the time, "we won't be friends with you anymore. You'll be out of the group and you'll be alone."

I was faced with the most difficult decision of my eight years. Would I be loyal to my own sex, my girl friends, or this boy I liked? He was my friend, yes, but in second grade boys were like aliens-- maybe not to be trusted, certainly not friends. At the very least they weren't the most important kind of friend.

So I took a deep breath.

And I left to see Matt. I'm not sure how he didn't know I loved him.

He found out soon enough.

I don't remember how it happened exactly. All I know is one afternoon he discovered one of my notes, one I had foolishly, boldly signed "your secret admirer, Vanessa." I had obviously missed the point of secret admiring. Matt confronted me about it. Instead of an outpouring of previously-hidden love I was met with anger and confusion. He didn't want me to be his secret admirer. He didn't like it, not one bit. Looking back, I think what I experienced was an early version of being Friend Zoned. I started to cry.

Our teacher took us out into the hall when she noticed the commotion.

"It's nice to have a secret admirer," she explained to Matt. "It means that someone likes you very much. It's a compliment."

He didn't want one. I was still sobbing out of sadness and burning embarrassment.

"You two are very good friends," she continued. "I see you play all the time. This note is very nice, and it doesn't change anything. You can still be friends."

We were not friends. Not ever again.

Suddenly we didn't talk. We didn't make eye-contact. When the grade-wide games of capture-the-flag started, boys versus girls, he'd silently stalk the line between our sides without a word or a sidelong glance. But he'd stay near where I was, a constant reminder of my failure. 

I didn't understand. I had been his friend when no one else liked him. I had talked to him about his books. I didn't tease him. I let him talk about his dad in the rare moments when he wanted to open up about the loss. We had been a wolf pack together, just us two. I had gone to him when my friends finally gave me an ultimatum. When given a choice, I chose to be there for him. It didn't make sense-- even when one of my girl friends (they hadn't really abandoned me that day) explained my mistake. 

"Boys our age aren't ready for love," she said. "You have to wait until they're mature, like in the fourth grade." Sage advice.

Fourth grade came and went and he still didn't love me. In fact, we hadn't talked since second grade.

For the rest of my life-- up until now-- we only talked once after the day he saw the letter.

It was 10th grade. My gym class was asked to play baseball against his. I had somehow actually hit a baseball-- I was still woefully uncoordinated and horrible at sports-- and gotten to second base. Matt was the second baseman, just my luck. We awkwardly avoided eye-contact.

Suddenly my team was yelling at me. "Run to third, run to third!" 

For whatever reason I was bewildered. I didn't want to run. I was slow and I couldn't make it I was sure. My teammates were mad now and my cheeks were hot.

"It's okay," he said suddenly. I saw him smile. "It's just a game."

What was your first crush like? Have you ever sent a secret admirer letter?

On Letters to An Ex-Boyfriend

 here

When I refer to ex-boyfriends on here, I am usually referring to my heinously douchey first boyfriend; today, I am not. And at the risk of making my current boyfriend feel a little awkward, I wanted to talk a bit about the second one while simultaneously hoping that if he ever comes across this he doesn't think I'm a huge creep. I really don't know where this post is going, so it may be a bit ramble-y, but I just wanted to talk (write) some things out.

My second real boyfriend has been written about here before. He was, sadly, one of those rebound relationships. I was broken up from Douchey First Boyfriend and a close guy-friend of mine set us up on a blind date. We went to a county fair together and it was supremely awkward. The only actual memory I have of that first date is when we went to look at the bunnies and tried desperately not to make eye contact. I, for one, was probably blushing the whole time.

On our second date, my mother (this was high school when neither of us had licenses) drove us to the mall to see a Jet Li flick. We ended up seeing the movie, having an impromptu dinner at IHOP, and then walking to Borders Books. I should have guessed we were destined to be when he thought up looking at books as a romantic idea. We then walked about a mile or so to the library. We sat under the gazebo, side by side, still not making eye contact in the way that people who really, really want to kiss do. We didn't.

I got a text message that night: "I wish I had kissed you." I wished he did, too.

At some point we were officially an item.

We had more things in common than I did with that first boyfriend. We were both martial artists, for one. When for some mysterious reason my dining room table went away for a few weeks and we had an open room, we would grapple in a very non-innuendo-y kind of way. My mother was livid that I insisted on sparring with him the day before marching band senior pictures and got a huge scrape across my forehead. I saw it as a badge of honor. I liked that he treated me as "one of the guys" in that sense. I learned later that it may have been one of the downfalls of our relationship. You never want to hear your boyfriend say "you're more of a 'friends' type girl."

But I'm getting away from the point. This was the guy who biked forty minutes in the cold to be my knight in shining armor. This is the guy who was okay with it when I told him early on that I wasn't over my ex and that I didn't know what I'd do if he wanted me back. This was the guy who spent so many nights just holding me as I cried over another man. This was the guy who sat on my couch one night as my ex explained to me over the phone exactly why he would never love me again. This was the guy who, on that night, put his arm around me when I hung up the phone and was silent with me when that was exactly what I needed. This was the guy who told me one night as I gripped his shoulders that he could feel how vulnerable and lost I was through my thumbs. This was the guy who told me he loved me on the porch one night in the Borat voice because he thought he could get away with that, but I knew the truth and I loved him, too. He had a knack for being silly and kind and patient.

When he broke up with me, I wasn't as sad as I should have been, but I begged for him to stay anyhow. I was lost at that point in my life, as he'd noticed. But this was the guy that didn't want to see me get hurt anymore. He knew what he had to do and he stood firm. And he made sure before we hung up, we were laughing and talking like friends. It was beautifully bizarre.

But I decided to hate him at some point. I hated him because he was honest, because he told me that he wasn't sure if he had ever loved me loved me. We had had sex, and I think at that point I rushed into it-- rushed him into it, a guy who insisted he would wait-- purely out of the deluded idea I had at the time that if I tried hard enough, sex would make boys stay, make them love me. And I was hurt.

From then on, I painted him as a monster. But as I got a bit older, I started to see things differently. I asked the friend who'd set us up about him much later.

"He loved you," my friend said. "I've never seen him like he was with you before. He felt so sorry for what you went through. Seeing you so hurt, hurt him. That was real."

And gradually I realized that maybe this guy had broken up with me, and maybe I was angry that he didn't love me as a girlfriend, but maybe I had really been the mean one in the relationship and that he didn't deserve me putting his reputation through the ringer. It took me a few years to actually believe that maybe I was the problem-- or at least a big part of it. And it was hard for me to acknowledge that I could be so cruel in my quest to heal my emotional wounds. My second relationship was a "rebound relationship" to be sure, and I can say now that I wasn't ready emotionally to be with anyone. And I hadn't been ready for quite some time to cope with the fact that maybe in this relationship, I was the one dragging a human heart to Hell and back.

I've been thinking for awhile now about writing him a letter-- to give myself a little piece of mind, I guess. I want to write a letter to tell him that I'm sorry for wasting his time and for painting him the villain when it was I who deserved the brunt of the blame. And he never blamed me still. I want to write a letter to say thank you for the way he was there for me at a very rough time in my life. I may not have been ready to love him then, but I love him now for giving me the kindness I so needed, even if I wasn't ready to fully accept it.

Will I write him? I don't know. But this is a start.


Have you ever been surprised looking back at a relationship? Have you ever dated on the rebound? What did you learn from the experience?

Sammi, Ronnie, And Lessons On Abuse

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[DISCLAIMER: I'd like to preface this by saying that this post is a discussion on abuse and uses examples from "The Jersey Shore" as well as my own experience. I know this is a topic that can be triggering, so this is just a heads-up that if so, you may want to skip this post.]


If you're like a lot of America, you've been sucked into "The Jersey Shore." It's terrible. Awful. Really, the worst show ever. However, it's almost sickeningly addictive and it's become a huge part of pop culture since the first season debuted last year. While most of the show's content should be seen as a how-to guide to being a complete douchebag (translation: if you see it on Jersey Shore, you should never do it), there's one part of the show that I've always found super-disturbing: Sammi and Ronnie's relationship.

In the first season, Sammi was the main abuser. She was extremely moody and short-tempered with Ronnie, who seemed genuinely interested in being faithful to her. She would fly off the handle and then demand his forgiveness (for example, the "Fred Flinstone toe" incident). Just like him, she flirted with other people at clubs, even getting some guys' numbers. She played far more games than he did, and games are never a sign of a healthy relationship. The two clearly struggled to determine whether they could be together all season until, at the reunion, they called it quits.

And then there was this season, when it stopped being just stupid and got horrifyingly sad. Let's go over the basic trajectory of this season's romance: Ronnie going and out, getting really wasted (and probably coked up) and hooking up with a zillion chicks, then coming home, telling the guys he was going to sleep with Sammie-- who, let's recall, is not his girlfriend-- and just getting into her bed. Then they decide they're dating. And then he acts like an ass and calls her lovely names like "bitch" and "cunt" and hooks up with more girls. Sammie says she "done." He apologizes and says he loves her. They sleep together again. Sammi plays some emotional games (such as searching Ronnie's phone and telling him he can go out but really "testing" him to see if he'll stay with her). Ronnie plays emotional games by cheating and then coming home to his sort've-girlfriend. Oh, we're done, no wait I love you, let's make up. Then Ronnie does something stupid and Sammie says she's "done." And then they make up, snuggle. More stupid stuff, "done," "BUT WAIT I LOVE YOU SAMMI!" wash, rinse, repeat.

It got so bad that the girls in the house decided to write Sammi a note about all Ronnie's infidelities. Sammi reads the note, it's very dramatic, she claims this is the last straw, but ultimately Ronnie tells her he loves her and he's sorry (again) and they appear to be back together. Sammi and the girls fight over all the shadiness in the house and we won't find out the rest of the story until episode 7.

I, like most people watching this show, am sick and tired of watching Sammi allow herself to be Ronnie's fall-back plan. Like she says, yeah, it does make her look bad-- should it? Maybe not, but I think a lot of us are sitting on the other side of the screen yelling "DON'T GO BACK TO HIM YOU ARE BEING SO STUPID!" and banging our heads against the wall. Or, conversely, we've just given up on the whole thing and decided that she's dumb. She'd have to be dumb not to listen to all the evidence that's smacking her in the face.

But here's the rub: most of us, if not all of us, have either been in a similar situation or had a friend just like Sammi.

The first time my first boyfriend broke up with me, I found out that he was over my best friend's house hitting on her little sister the next day. My friend asked my ex didn't Vanessa mean anything to you?! And he replied, I later found out, "no." At the time, my friend just got on the phone with me and said, plain and simple, "never go back to him." But did I follow her advice? Of course not. Because when I had a guy still paying me attention and flirting and then saying he hated me and talking about other girls and then acting like he wanted me back but saying no, I was too confused and naively hopeful to listen. I thought about the good times. I thought about how he was the only guy who'd ever liked me-- said he loved me-- enough to date me and I wasn't going to let that go. No one's advice mattered to me. They didn't see him like I did. They didn't know about how nice he could be. So I dealt with him getting plastered every night and telling me how awful and undeserving I was because sometimes, yeah, he'd snuggle and who else did I have to do that with?

My refusal to see the truth came from an ailing sense of self-esteem and pure, utter desperation. He never harmed me physically, but I was being emotionally abused. I was being used on top of it for the fact that, as the typical victim of abuse, I was willing to stay and hold on and be there whenever he wanted me to. He didn't love me and I later realized I didn't love him. I was desperate and obsessed and lost and hurt. I was not in love.

Unfortunately, I can also say that within the relationship, I thought the love I had for this guy was so real and that even though he treated me awfully, he loved me, too. I would turn him around. He would realize someday that I paid for lots of things for him and had sex with him and let him be mean to me and that that? That was devotion and he owed me it in return. That never happened. There was never a chance of it-- and I'm glad of it.

I began dating my current boyfriend when my ex went to boot camp for the Marines. When he came home, I told my ex that our relationship was done, he begged for my forgiveness. He told me he changed and he loved me and that I had abandoned him when really it was he who refused to be committed to me. I was strong enough then to put my foot down, but had I not had the distance from him that I got, I don't think-- I really don't-- that I would have been strong enough to do so. I saw plenty of warning signs of how bad the relationship was along the way, including the advice of my loving, amazing friends, but I didn't listen until circumstances made me ready.

I can, in that sense, relate to how Sammi must feel. She's acting stupidly and unwisely, but I don't think what she's doing in front of America is any different than what many of us have done or seen our friends do in a way that isn't as public. Abuse like this tends to take a certain form, and unfortunately that often means one party delusionally clinging to another out of hope and desperation. Emotional abuse, like any other form, becomes a force for manipulation and coercion and you can lose sight of the way out. I can say without shame that I acted stupidly and that what I went through was something that I never in a million years would have imagined myself going through. I wasn't "that girl" in my head. Now, older and wiser, I see everything for what it was. I'm willing to bet that Sammi feels the same way I did when I was with my ex and that someday she'll see how terrible and degrading an experience she went through. She's the only who will be able to make herself see that-- not her friends/castmates. Hopefully she'll come out of it as a better person. Say what you will about the Jersey Shore cast, but people are people and each and every one of us deserves love and respect.

Sammi is not being stupid as much as she is being human. Whenever we see people in abusive situations who don't seem willing to be, as Sammi says so frequently, "done," we react with bewilderment and frustration without taking a moment to remember how different and confounding the feelings can be from the inside. It's so much more complex than a lot of people want to believe. Sammi is not stupid: she is human and if what MTV shows us is accurate, she is a victim of abuse.

Interestingly, while MTV decided to air the number for an abuse helpline after the infamous Snooki-gets-punched incident, there's been little explicit attention paid to the abusive nature of Sammi and Ronnie's relationship. Yes, it's become the main conflict of the show, but MTV hasn't passed any real judgment on what we're seeing yet. In the first season, we never see the number for an abuse helpline at the commercial after Sammi manipulates Ronnie into apologizing and doing arbitrary tasks to prove his devotion and then proceeds to go out and get others guys' numbers. In the second season, we never see the number for an abuse helpline at the commercial after Ronnie goes out and cheats and calls Sammi a cunt and she says she's "done" and then sleeps with him anyway because she loves him so much. We're watching two people in a very real, very violent cycle.

Many of MTV's viewers are young, maybe even getting into some of their first relationships. Whether kids should be watching this or not is inconsequential right now: they're watching it. If MTV wants to be truly responsible and take a big step in the right direction, they'll make it clear that what we in Sammi and Ronnie is not healthy, because for some people it might not be. If you know people-- male or female-- who watch this show, talk to them about it, especially if they're younger. I think a lot of the "problems with today's youth" could be fixed by a healthy dose of dialogue. Either way, MTV needs to take a stand and acknowledge that just because this kind of abuse doesn't leave bruises doesn't make it any less horrific.

Ex-Friend: Signs That it's Time to Let Go

 elle

I think most of us have that one "friend" in our lives that we sort've don't know why we keep. Maybe this person was a bona fide compadre at some point, but not anymore. S/he annoys you or makes you feel bad, or maybe you just don't have a single thing in common. Whatever it is, life is too short to waste each others' time. We are human and that means we grow and change over the years: your best friend since elementary school may someday be a person you want nothing to do with. And that's okay. It's in everyone's best interests that we assess our friendships every once in awhile and decide: is this person my friend or is it time to let go?




You Never "Hang Out Sometime"

We all have someone in our lives that we interact with like this: we see them at the mall or stumble across them on Facebook and say "oh my gosh, it's been so long, we need to hang out sometime!" And the person it's said to usually goes "yeah, totally!" and maybe even proposes to call you or something. It never happens. You might not even get to the Making Plans stage of the operation. These people are usually people we feel we should be interacting with because we have some sort of bond with them-- maybe you used to be close pals-- but don't actually have any genuine desire to see anymore. The sooner you admit that to yourself, the sooner you'll stop having awkward obligatory let's-hang-out conversations.



When You Do "Hang Out Sometime" You Feel Worse


I used to hang out with a girl who, whenever we were together, she'd make fun of me relentlessly-- and by "me" I mean me and my choice in men and wardrobe and various other things. By the end of our visits, I'd always feel like I'd been through some terrible ordeal. No one needs a friend who is constantly sniping at them. Once those feelings of general awfulness, of being attacked, demeaned, etc. creeps up more often than they don't, it's time to say "bye bye" for the sake of your sanity and self-esteem.



You Make Excuses for Their Behavior

 "That's just the way she is," I'd tell my other friends about Negative Friend. "It's her humor." "She's just being sarcastic." "She doesn't mean to hurt me." "Well, we really do both like these things and that's nice...." But why should you be friends with anyone who's so regularly less than pleasant that you have to start justifying their behavior? In a romantic relationship, this kind of excuse-making would go right along with that of a person who's been abused-- and that's not friendship, my friends.



They Never Put You First

We all go through stages in our lives where certain people and things aren't as important to us as others. Maybe they can't be, like if you have a new demanding job, or you're raising a child, or you have a brand new significant other that you need to bond with. There can be any number of perfectly fine reasons for putting friends on the back burner, but what is truly a sign of ex-friendship is when you're always on the back burner. My boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend who would always, 100% of the time, choose her friends over him. He never came first, and he always says that was one of the big immediate signs that their relationship would be brief and unfulfilling. We always say that girls in relationships need to remember their friends, but it goes both ways. Anyone who you're committed to-- gal pals included-- needs to be the top priority at least some of the time. If you have a friend who always puts others over you, you know s/he just isn't that into you. A true test of this is how a friend reacts when something goes very wrong in your life: the people who are willing to make time to be there for you are friends. The ones who refuse? Not so much.



You Try to Talk About it, But...

...s/he won't listen or doesn't seem to care about affecting any actual change. It's hard for anyone to fess up to their wrongdoings, but if you've got a person on your hands who just won't hear it or flat-out denies it, there's really nowhere to go from there.



Have you ever had to let a friend go? What was it like? Do you feel it was the right decision?

Far Away Friends

 ~rebela-wanted

We live in a world where distance is sometimes inevitable; people go away to college, away to work, away to travel, away for no reason at all. It seems that that's just how it works in a world where travel is highly accessible and desired. We have so much information available to us about this planet we inhabit that we feel we can pick and choose where we want to live, and this often leads to families and friends conducting their relationships over a distance.

I met my best friend, Keri, in the seventh grade. During our Senior year of high school, her father committed suicide, setting into motion a chain of events that led her 3000 miles away to El Paso, Texas. When she first told me that she was considering moving to Texas with her then-boyfriend, I had to be supportive and understanding, even though it clearly meant the end of an era. Of course, our friendship would have changed anyway, considering that I was soon going to college an hour and a half away from our hometown, but the idea of my best friend being so far away? A little more than I bargained for. After her father's death, though, Massachusetts was the last place she wanted to be. There were too many bad, stressful memories at home. She knew she needed a change. She hopped a plane and didn't turn back.

Adjusting to the idea of someone so close to me being so far away was hard. Amazingly, though, we've stayed best friends in the three years since the move.

How you keep that connection going? I can't say it's a science, but there are a few things that have really helped us stay close despite the monumental distance.


Become Pen Pals

Keri and I try to write each other letters as often as possible. We were always into writing notes in middle and high school (weren't we all?) so writing letters has just become an extension of the teenage gossiping we used to love so much. We draw pictures, write poems, and find creative materials to write on, just to keep it interesting. Include inside jokes, always.

Share the Little Things

If you're not there to have experiences together, you're going to miss a lot of the important stuff. And the important stuff is, well, important. But I find what really keeps you feeling involved is sharing the stupid, trivial, no-big-deal things that happen in your everyday lives. That's what you did before, right? So why not tell your friend about that weird kid in your Shakespeare class or that funny thing that happened on the way to the supermarket? Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to say when Keri and I talk because I can't think of any Big Important Life-Changing Stories, but the truth is, part of why she's my friend is that we really enjoy the minutia of each others' lives. There's always something to say.

Don't Forget to Save the Date

Remember birthdays and other significant days, whether it be through a phone call, a care package, or a Skype date.


Make Time

One of the most difficult parts of being a long distance friend, for me, is that I tend to let time get away from me. I plan on calling and let the plan slide because I feel that I have too much to do: stuff that's right in front of me that thus feels way more pressing and immediate. Sometimes it's definitely not pressing or immediate, it's just that one of the ways I can make time is to cross a phone call off my list-- especially because when my best friend and I talk, we talk for hours. If you truly are busy, let the other person know and stick to a time limit. It's better to catch up for a half an hour than to put off talking for weeks at a time. If you do have time, make sure you prioritize: a really close friendship is a terrible thing to let fall to the wayside.

Online Networking

You're Facebook friends, right? Enough said.

Save Up for a Meet-Up

How about you start a wee little fund to buy a plane ticket to where your friend lives? If you save a little each week, a relatively costly trip can turn into a very manageable expense. Sure, it'll take awhile, but isn't it worth it to hang out with one of your favorite people?


Do you have any long distance friends? How do you stay close? If you didn't, what do you think went wrong? Any tips you'd like to add?

The Nicest Thing

chris mcveigh

My mother was driving me home from a get-together when a fight broke out. She didn't like how my friend, who had had some serious family difficulties, was living in a trailer home. Of course, the implication that this friend was the sort I shouldn't be hanging around with made me absolutely livid. So livid, in fact, that the entire ride home was an ear-shattering screaming match to end all screaming matches.

We had arrived home, still arguing, when she made a comment about my then-boyfriend's, Joe's, family. Bless that boyfriend's father's heart, he had mentioned in passing to my uptight, not-always-very-understanding mother that his eldest daughter had once been a druggie. My mother? Not pleased. You see, because there are certain people you shouldn't associate with.

At some point, this argument got so heated that I was screaming at the top of my lungs, waterworks in full effect. The crappy thing about fighting with my mother, though, is that no matter how crazily upset I get, she doesn't back down. She calmly walked upstairs, leaving me sobbing on the kitchen floor.

I called Joe, immediately, though I was still pretty incoherent. He asked what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to talk about. Honestly, I didn't; I just wanted to cry with someone, to hear a friendly voice. I didn't expect what he said next:

"I'll be right over."

That may not sound that impressive, but here's why it is: it was after midnight in the early days of January-- we're talking single digit temperatures, possibly below-zero windchill. He didn't have a car, so he borrowed a bike. The bike ride took him about forty minutes and he didn't even have gloves.

We sat on my couch together for several hours, until it was so early that I felt he had to leave or risk being discovered (he offered to stay the night, though). I showered him with "thank you"s and words of love-- I had never expected him to do what he did for me. He, on the other hand, seemed surprised that I wouldn't expect it. For him, it was his only option, the right option, to come to his girlfriend's rescue. All he asked for in return was a pair of gloves for the ride home.

What's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you?

Theory of Relativity

museum of fat love

My boyfriend constantly reminds me that everyone sees bodies differently. The girls I would call "chubby" he calls "normal." The girls whose slender legs I envy, he considers unattractively thin. Sometimes when we have these conversations, I become very frustrated: not frustrated that we don't see eye to eye, but frustrated that what I feel I, as a woman in America today, have been taught is unquestionably right, might actually be wrong.

This goes both ways, though. While my boyfriend used to see Whiteness as essential to attractiveness, I have always found Black men to be more attractive. He thinks a six-pack is absolutely necessary, and I find them gross. He thinks his thin physique makes him less of a man, while I see a man with the ideal build. Men are taught, just like women, that a certain way to look is the right way to look. So am I wrong?

No matter what you think is attractive, there is someone who will disagree with it entirely, even if you look like the "ideal" man or woman. There are people who don't find anything sexy about the models and movie stars you think are perfect. And if you look one? There are people who won't find you sexy either. There are people who will think you're downright disgusting. But you know what? There are also people who will think you're the most amazing creature they've ever set eyes on.

There are people who think the ampleness of your butt, the roundness of your tummy, the gap in your teeth, the hair on your arms, the jiggle in your thighs are gross. There are people who will see all those things and say "those things are exactly what I look for in a man/woman-- marry me!" Seriously!

And this applies to everyone.

What makes a body attractive is different for every individual. This is why no one has to be anything they're not. Even if you think you're too fat, too thin, too muscular, too short, too tall, too whatever, there is someone who thinks that those things you hate most are exactly what make you so beautiful, so hot, that they can barely contain themselves.

The Nicest Thing

My mother was driving me home from a get-together when a fight broke out. She didn't like how my friend, who had had some serious family difficulties, was living in a trailer home. Of course, the implication that this friend was the sort I shouldn't be hanging around with made me absolutely livid. So livid, in fact, that the entire ride home was an ear-shattering screaming match to end all screaming matches.

We had arrived home, still arguing, when she made a comment about my then-boyfriend's, Joe's, family. Bless that boyfriend's father's heart, he had mentioned in passing to my uptight, not-always-very-understanding mother that his eldest daughter had once been a druggie. My mother? Not pleased. You see, because there are certain people you shouldn't associate with.

At some point, this argument got so heated that I was screaming at the top of my lungs, waterworks in full effect. The crappy thing about fighting with my mother, though, is that no matter how crazily upset I get, she doesn't back down. She calmly walked upstairs, leaving me sobbing on the kitchen floor.

I called Joe, immediately, though I was still pretty incoherent. He asked what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to talk about. Honestly, I didn't; I just wanted to cry with someone, to hear a friendly voice. I didn't expect what he said next:

"I'll be right over."

That may not sound that impressive, but here's why it is: it was after midnight in the early days of January-- we're talking single digit temperatures, possibly below-zero windchill. He didn't have a car, so he borrowed a bike. The bike ride took him about forty minutes and he didn't even have gloves.

We sat on my couch together for several hours, until it was so early that I felt he had to leave or risk being discovered (he offered to stay the night, though). I showered him with "thank you"s and words of love-- I had never expected him to do what he did for me. He, on the other hand, seemed surprised that I wouldn't expect it. For him, it was his only option, the right option, to come to his girlfriend's rescue. All he asked for in return was a pair of gloves for the ride home.

What's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you?

The No Good Very Bad Break-Up

bye bye オモイデ

It's painful to see relationships end. In the beginning, you're kissing under the dining room table like kids and going everywhere together and imagining the big, wide, vast, open expanse of possibility that is your Great Wonderful Perfect Relationship. And then that vast expanse comes hurtling inward on itself resulting in changes only comparable to the Big Bang. Breakups often leave you devastated, confused, and perhaps bargaining like a mass murderer trying to get the judge to forget about that silly death penalty thing. I mean, seriously, a lot of women go absolutely loopy at the end of their Great Wonderful Perfect Relationship. Because break-ups? They suuuuck.

I've been the crazy ex-girlfriend who just wouldn't let go. I've seen plenty of my friends be that insane ex. It happens, and maybe you've been there, too. But, seriously, you don't have to go off your rocker over anyone-- and even more seriously, you shouldn't.


During the Break-Up:


1. Don't Bargain

I have a habit of bargaining with the breaker-upper. This, however, is a big, huge no-no. If someone you feel you truly love and value is breaking up with you, it can be hard not to turn into the world's best haggler. Here's the thing: a lot of the things you might throw into the bargain are just not good for you. It might seem like a good idea to try to strike a deal, but I have a feeling that whoever you're talking to is pretty sure he doesn't want anything to do with you, you know, since he's dumping you. Any conditions this person agrees on are probably just for their own benefit or because s/he's too taken aback to say "no." Bargaining is not fair to you.

2. Understanding "the Break"

A "break" is a break-up. If your guy or girl wants a break, they want a break-up, but they're (in my experience) too afraid to say it and/or too afraid to cut their ties to you just in case they don't work something out with someone else very soon. Often they'll say it's because of some "legitimate" reason, like too much school work or stress at home, but to me, "break" is just a cowardly way of telling someone you can't stand them anymore, so I just don't respect a guy who will do the whole "break" thing. And you know what? If they can't deal with whatever it is they're going through while in a relationship with you, how can you deal with problems in the relationship? Just run out again? If they need a break from you in general (which is more likely the case), how do you know they can commit to you for any length of time? They probably can't. Let 'em dump you. They're not worth it.


After the Break-Up


3. Allow Yourself Some Time to Wallow

I'm an advocate for crying and writing nasty things in your journal and punching your pillows and kicking your feet in the middle of the room. After a big, terrible break-up, you're probably so upset that you want to do all those things at the very same time. You should. I'm serious. It might sound a little immature, but I think the first thing you should do after all is said and done is have a goddamn tantrum. And eat ice cream. Eat so much ice cream. I mean, it sounds a little unhealthy, but it works. Listen to sad songs, clutch your teddy bear, and bawl until you can't breathe. Let it out.

4. Sever Ties-- at Least for Now

So your significant other is now your ex-significant other. You probably still want to interact with them. Don't. No good can possibly come of you hanging out with someone who has made it clear they don't want to be with you. You may have said that you still want to be friends, but in my experience, this rarely works. Being around this person, talking to this person, is just going to tear those fresh wounds open wider, and you don't need that. Delete numbers from your cell phone, unfriend him/her on Facebook, block his/her AIM screen name, etc. I know this is hard, but spending time with this person will only be a constant reminder of how hurt you are. You feel bad enough already, I'm sure. Also, some time away will help give you a little perspective.

5. Make a List of Everything That Sucked

It might take time to be able to do this, but please do. I bet there are a lot of things you didn't like about the relationship, and for the sake of getting real about this terrible event, it's time to think about them. Still too heartbroken and in love? Employ the help of some friends. Every time I've been through a break-up, THAT was when my friends let me know all the red flags that they saw but I didn't. Was I happy to hear that a man I still adored treated me like crap? No. I didn't want to believe it. But was it true? Absolutely. The truth hurts, but you need to hear it.

6. Keep Busy, See Friends

It's going to take a long time to feel better. For me, the worst moments always hit when I was alone in my room doing nothing. The solution? I know you may not want to venture back into the real world quite yet, but occupying your time with friends and things you love is going to really help you. You'll be keeping your mind off of you-know-who, and maybe even getting something productive done! Throw yourself into school work, practice extra hard with your sports team, get writing that story you always meant to write but were too busy hanging out with Loser McLoserface to find time for. Go out for a drink or two, have a No Boys Allowed slumber party, or just have a nice, long heart-t0-heart with your best friend ever and you'll soon be on the road to healing. Even if it's a long road, you'll know you're not going it alone.

7. A Note on Friends With Benefits

Been there, done that, wouldn't do it again. Many girls think that being friends with benefits can either repair the relationship or let you still enjoy being intimate with someone even though there's no official dating-type title. I'm sure some people can actually have this kind of relationship very successfully. Most? Probably not. All I got out of being friends with benefits with a certain ex was feeling more attached than ever and more desperate and confused as to why he wouldn't date me again. What I needed was to cut off the relationship, not keep on some twisted sort of life support. One of the nicest things a different ex ever did for me was to refuse my offer to be friends with benefits. That was the only was I really knew how to deal with a break-up: beg to be together again, and if not, just have sex until he realizes how much he loves me still. The kindly ex told me while he still felt attracted to me sexually, he couldn't do it. Your ex? Might not say that. Don't offer. There's like 99% chance you'll feel like crap about it at some point in the future. It's more trouble than its worth (and I'm sure that person isn't the best you'll ever have anyway).


How did you survive your last break-up? What advice do you give your friends when their relationships end? I'd love to hear from you!

How to Celebrate an Anniversary on a College Kid Budget

from weheartit

Yesterday was my second anniversary with wonderful and oft-talked-about Luke. I'm going to avoid getting all mushy gooshy, but I love him to death. We're both very happy we made it to another milestone, and we can't wait to see what's in store for us from here.

We had some pretty nice plans for our anniversary, but it all got thwarted when we both found out we were in possession on a collective $150 in our checking accounts. Ouch. We decided to be responsible adults and cancel our plans for the sake of saving the cash we have until we're back working. It got us thinking, though, about how to celebrate an anniversary without spending a lot of money.*


Make the Gifts

Some of my favorite ideas? Make a mix CD with all the music that makes you think of him or here, with "your song" (if you have one) as the final track. Make a scrapbook out of all those Facebook photos, movie ticket stubs, loving doodles, and flower petals you have laying around. Decorate a small box and fill it with scraps of paper detailing all the little things you think are so wonderful about your boyfriend or girlfriend-- I gave one of these to Luke and I called it his "Self-Esteem Box." Put together a comic book depicting his or her proposal to go steady. Pretend you're a wee little child again and make a bracelet, necklace, or ring out of beads and stretchy string. As long as you put thought into it, your significant other is bound to love it, and all with minimal damage done to your wallet. If you're not into making gifts, though, try sitting down together and giving each other a strict budget. As long as you both stick to the rules, $15 won't feel cheap.

Research and Development

Decide ahead of time what you'd like to do, and then find out how much the special day will cost. Make phone calls and look at websites so you know exactly what you're getting into. You may have heard of a play on Saturday night that's "really cheap," but you don't want to find out at the ticket booth that it's actually way over your budget or that you needed your student ID to get in for a reduced price.

Remember: Your Student ID is Your Friend

Following up on the previous note, you student ID can be a Godsend when it comes to saving cash. For instance, back at home, I can go see a movie for $7 if I bring my Clark ID, versus the $10.50 it would run me without (and if you want to go to a movie, for goodness sakes, sneak in the candy! Ladies, bring a large purse and get a big bag of sweets to share at Target). Many plays and musicals have discounted "student rush" tickets, but they're usually limited in number and you have to buy them at a certain time (research this!). It may be possible that if you go to a town with a lot of colleges, you can get into events like dances and concerts at other universities as long as you have your card with you. Also, a lot of museums have student discounts, which is awesome because for a relatively low price, you can get an entire day's worth of activities.

Go Dutch

Splitting the cost of a date is often a huge relief, and going Dutch may even make a trip to somewhere pretty nice pretty doable. For instance, my boyfriend and I love going to The Cheesecake Factory, and when we're there the bill is usually around $40. It's a pretty pricey meal for young people who don't have "real" jobs, so it's a lot more enjoyable when we split it, since neither of us is worried about paying so much money or is feeling guilty that the other is spending half a day's pay on cheesecake and strawberry lemonade (best stuff ever).

Start a Special Occasion Savings Account

Why not? If everything's on the up-and-up and it doesn't seem like too big of a commitment, go to a bank you can both agree on (preferably one with a lot of ATMs in your area-- you don't want too many withdrawal fees) and start a joint savings account just for fun. It only takes a few minutes to set one up, and you don't even have to start with very much cash in it-- my bank requires a minimum balance of $5. Make a habit of each of you depositing into the account whenever there's a little extra cash to spare and watch it grow into something big and wonderful. I mean, let's say every week for one year, you put in $5 and your special person puts in $5. Now we do the math and.... voila! $520! How easy is that? And if you don't have a job during the school year, you can just put a little more away each week when you're on vacation-- or consider that the same $5 each during about 4 months of summer vacation would make for a cool $160. More than enough for dinner and a movie, am I right?


Work With What You Have

Okay, so let's see.... I have a nice new camera and plenty of free time. How about a photo scavenger hunt? Got a video game console? What about a [your favorite two-player game here] marathon (you could even start a new file and try to beat it in one sitting, or check out used games and buy something completely ridiculous on the cheap)? Have the box set for your favorite TV show or movie series? Microwave some popcorn, procure some sugary treats, and snuggle up together in your warmest blankets and watch from beginning to end. You met through a friend in a game of Monopoly? Borrow it if you don't have it and recreate that first encounter-- you know that game can keep you busy all day. Got a bed? Well, you see where that's going. You already have plenty to do if you take the time to really assess what you already have. I know you may have watched Family Guy together a zillion and one times, but if you set it up as something extra special, it will be extra special, trust me.


Forget What "Everyone Else" Does for Their Anniversary

If your best friend and his girlfriend went hot air ballooning over the Grand Canyon, who cares? I mean, that's pretty cool, but it's not you. You might feel jealous over what the people you know have done on their special days, but you have to remember that everyone is dealing with different circumstances. Maybe they dug into their savings, or got some free tickets, or asked their parents for a little extra cash to make the night amazing. That's all well and good, and I'm not knocking people who want to make something extravagant happen, but it's not necessary, especially if you're doing it just to keep up with the Joneses. Comparing your situation to someone else's can really screw with your standards.

ANECDOTE ALERT: When my boyfriend and I started casually looking at engagement rings (just for fun-- we're not planning on getting hitched for a few years yet), I had in mind a single ring a friend had shown me when she was briefly engaged. It cost $700-- cheap by engagement ring standards-- and was 1/2 carot. I thought it was beautiful, and when we first got roped into trying rings on by a very eager saleslady at Kay's, it was all I wanted to see. In fact, I tried on the 1 carot version of the ring and thought it was way too big. But as I got caught up in the joy of looking at all these rings and reading about diamonds online, I got more and more convinced the ring I liked wasn't "good" enough. It was too small, too low quality, and from a mall jewelry store. The more I read, the more I thought we'd have to find a big ring at some swanky store that my boyfriend on his what-will-then-be-law-student budget would have to save up thousands just for this one gesture. I did try on a ring at Zales that I was in love with, but found out after I was drooling over it that it was almost $3000. The boyfriend started sweating at that point, but I wouldn't ask him to spend that much, especially when we're just starting our lives together. But still, I kept thinking about what if my friends aren't impressed by my ring? Who cares? All that matters is you. If you think your ring is special and wonderful and amazing, everyone else's opinions can screw off.

A long example, maybe, but all I'm trying to say is that the more you allow yourself to make value judgements based on what everyone else is doing, the more you may fall into the trap of becoming dissatisfied with what you might really want. You can spend whatever your heart desires to on your anniversary, whether that be nothing or your life's savings.


How do you-- or would like to-- celebrate your anniversary? Got any of your own patent-pending money-saving tips for the financially challenged?


*We haven't celebrated yet, but we're contemplating taking Clark's free mall shuttle to try Red Robin for the first time-- they've got seriously tantalizing commercials, people.

Dorky Things to Do With Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend

mgm photography.

Google Analytics is awesome. If you have a blog, you should definitely be using this or something like it, as I know I've been finding it super helpful for tracking my most popular posts, traffic info, etc. It's also really overwhelming: the other day I almost peed myself with shock and joy when I realized someone from Estonia was reading my blog. TMI?

Moving on.

If you're familiar with Google Analytics, you probably realize that you can look at what key words people have used to come across your site. You also probably know this if you read Daddy Likey. I haven't gotten any really wacky searches, but I have gotten a couple that gave me posting ideas. One of them? "Dorky thing to do with your boyfriend." Well, gee, I don't have an official post on that already, but who am I-- an expert on injecting one's relationship with geeky bonding moments-- to deny that person an internet resource?

So without further ado, here are a few ideas for those of you wanting to get a little nerdy with your matching Tetris piece.

1. Read a Book Outloud Together
I have to put this one first and foremost because-- true story-- this is what brought my boyfriend and I together once and for all. Luke, the cute boy I had a crush on, had to read August Wilson's "Fences" for a literature class, and I obliged to help him get through it one night when he was alone doing office hours (this will sound even more scandalous when I mention his office hours were for a club that provides free condoms). We decided to read the book out loud, with one of the rules, of course, being that every character had to be given a funny voice. We spoke in awful Southern accents and when the stage directions said "[puts his arm around her]," my heart fluttered all over the place when he did. We didn't finish it all in that one night, so I invited Luke over the next evening to read while my roommate was away for the weekend. Long story short, that pretty awful play lead to us talking until 4 o'clock in the morning, when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I'm just saying that from personal experience that this can be a funny and productive bonding experience if you pick the right book.

2. Spend the Day at a Museum
Personally, when I think dorky day at the museum, I think the more specific the museum, the better; you know like the Museum of Turquoise 19th Century Boats or something. If you can't find one that's oddly, randomly specific, that's okay. Find any ol' science, history, art, sports, you name it museum in your area and try to visit exhibits that are about something foreign to the both of you. Giddily share new facts with each other and resist running through the dinosaur exhibit, 'cause remember, those museum cops can be pretty tough! My personal favorite is the Boston Museum of Science. TIP: If you go to a science museum, remember to share some space ice cream!

3. Play Video Games in Your PJs
There are few things I'd rather do on a Friday night than sit around with my boyfriend in our PJs and embark on a dangerous co-op mission in Gears of War. I'm thoroughly terrible at it, but it's so much fun to strategize, scream in fear, and ultimately send the bad guys right on down to the proverbial H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. Of course, if you're not into gore or shooters, I'd also recommend Soul Calibur or Mario Kart as well. Really, play whatever you're into-- catch Pokemon side by side if the mood strikes! If you're video game geeks who've run out of two-player games to play, go to Gamestop and ravage the clearance section. You'll find a lot of hilariously bad/super fun games, sometimes for less than a dollar or two. OR: lay the smack down at an arcade-- just make sure you win!

4. Watch Videos of Cute Animals
Youtube is full of them! Provide your own LolCat-like commentary.

5. Tea Party Date
Dress in your finest attire. Serve scones and Earl Grey on fancy China and have a civil debate about politics and your favorite literature. You don't have to get your stuffed animals into it, but I won't stop you.

6. Play Chess in Public
You two will look ridiculously intellectual. Bonus point if you do it somewhere unexpected (ex. the food court at your local mall). Don't know how? Check it.

What are your favorite dorky things to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend?