Thursday, October 18, 2007

50 Things I've Learned Without Learning Chemistry

1. Surround yourself with gay and/or metrosexual people, as they'll never fail to make you feel good about yourself.

2. Watching fashion shows all day is NOT a waste of time and is totally NOT related to a deterioration in vision or carpal tunnel or dehydration from drooling over pretty clothes.

3. It's important to get stressed when you can't remember what you're stressed about.

4. Avoid cafeteria meats.

5. Thinking about how... inactive your life has been lately makes you even more liable to buy a copy of GQ and lock yourself in your dormroom.

6. In college, every room is a bedroom.

7. At Clark, we do not categorize. Not even the Asians.

8. The results of working out are maximized if you listen to the Rocky soundtrack.

9. It's okay to look in the mirror and think "damn, I'm hot," because everything is relative (to Boobah).

10. I am a bad person and probably going to hell because of #9. You're not really supposed to get it. Bad high school experience.

11. It's okay to be bitter, but not entirely necessary. Karma is a bitch.

12. The reason everyone has an incredibly bitchy friend is that they don't want to see the truth in situations for themselves.

13. Sometimes, crying is the absolute best thing for a person.

14. There's no amount of anger that wailing on a punching bag can't (temporarily) alleviate.

15. Ice cream really does make you feel better when you're sad.

16. Dressing up small dogs is just rediculous and will people (meaning me) think you're an airheaded strumpet.

17. Strumpet is a great word.

18. So is weiner. No, really, say it. You'll laugh. Don't even tell me you didn't, because I don't believe you.

19. People who aren't just a little bit immature are no fun.

20. Every school has the same valedictorian in a different body.

21. You should never keep a loaded gun in your pants, because you'll end up shooting a hole through your penis (true story of a person I don't know).

22. No one really knows how to use a semi-colon. There is always hesitation before using a semi-colon.

23. Using a semi-colon makes a person feel smart.

24. Emo poems are humorous.

25. Spelling things like an Englishman is fun.

26. Your significant others' parents are bound to be fonder of you than that significant other.27. Breaking up is hard to do.

28. Bob Dylan is far from a good singer.

29. Don't hurry love.

30. Mama said there'd be days like these. Listen to your mama. She's usually right. Don't you hate that?

31. Your mom jokes, when told properly, ARE FUNNY. I don't care what you say.

32. Red things and white things like to have sex in the washing machine. When you pull out the white things, they're pink because they're blushing. Duh.

33. People are supposed to eat meat. Point blank. Torturing animals is wrong, eating them is delicious.

34. The best way to make me angry at you is to bitch about the military when they're the ones who fight for your right to bitch about them.

35. The idea of my friends someday having children makes me feel unsafe. Perhaps this is a reflection on my choice of friends.

36. Dance like a whore at every opportunity.

37. Lists should not end on random numbers like 37.

38. Hippos are a great way to scare away intruders.

39. Everyone takes pictures of themself, but when you look at someone else's camera and see that they have taken pictures of themself, it is more than acceptable to act like the person is a loser. And then hide your own camera.

40. Hold hands crossing the street.

41. If Hillary Clinton becomes president of the United States, I will move to North Korea. Not really, but I will at least adopt an accent and pretend that I am no longer an American until she's out of office because I refuse to claim her as my leader.

42. Stop in the name of love.

43. Everyone has an awkward phase. Some people have a longer one than others. Like forever.

44. It is basically a law for girls to think their girlfriends' boyfriends are complete assholes. Especially if the first girls are single.

45. Martial arts movies kick ass *rimshot*

46. The macarena, the YMCA, the cotton-eye Joe, and the cha-cha slide are clinically irresistible.

47. Getting a Facebook is a detriment to one's GPA.

48. Don't talk to strangers, unless you're my best friend's children who she will someday encourage to talk to strangers. Poor little rascals never had a chance....

49. The word "kiddo" is not patronizing. I forget who I heard say that, but they're wrong. My arguement doesn't even need support, that's how true of a fact I am stating.

50. Feminists are just... no.

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