I'll Take "Clothing Lines That Make Me Uncomfortable" for $500, Alex

I always think that the next time I go to the American Apparel site, I'm going to be way less creeped out than the last time. "Maybe I was just imagining how pornographic this all seems," I tell myself. By pornographic, I mean pornographic on a totally different level than, say, Abercrombie&Fitch. Those models look like they want to be photographed. They made a decision to be a pictured practically naked on a giant poster in a dimly lit rave-like environment for teenagers and disapproving mothers everywhere to see. American Apparel models, however, look like Dov Charney chased their underage-looking behinds down in the forest, captured them (perhaps they would've fared better wearing sweatshorts?), and keeps them in cages, only freeing them to put them in cheaply-made neon leggings.

Oh, to be so lucky as to have ugly leggings....

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Do you see any common threads in these models? Here, I'll help:

1) A complete lack of life in the eyes that conveys a sense of hopelessness. In fact, I would go so far as to call it a void. See the void?

2) A complete lack of pants where there really ought to be pants.

3) Nipples (the second one is much more subtle). These are by far not the most extreme examples of nippleage on the American Apparel site (and there are many; in fact, pretty much every picture is a wardrobe malfunction), but I feel like this would enter into the realm of being pornographic if I showed you those.

4) You get the impression that these models are--for a lack of better terminology-- completely cracked out. They aren't really standing on their own, actually. They're like the fake trees you set up for the Christmas play in elementary school, propped up by cheap planks of wood. Especially the second girl.

5) Subtle fear.

There is something so utterly wrong about this. If those pictures and my handy-dandy list don't convince you, visit http://www.americanapparel.net/ and see for yourself. But maybe don't buy anything. I don't know about you, but it would make me feel all icky inside.

Someday, I will break into American Apparel headquarters and unlock all the dungeons, break all the shackles, and free these girls. "Run free, exploited models, run free!" I would cry. And then I would take them out for jeans and bras and methadone.