The first thing my father said when I told him my then-new boyfriend, Luke, was half Black was "does he look like a Negro?" I was dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. After a long pause I replied with an affirmative. Yes, my boyfriend looks like a Black person, and I wouldn't have been at all taken aback if that had been the question: "does he look Black?" But "Negro?" It reeked of preemptive hate, of ignorance, of disgust.
I didn't think of that conversation again until weeks later when my mother casually mentioned a phone call she had with my father concerning Luke, in which he told her that he didn't want me dating a Black man. I was enraged; enraged that he would be so racist, enraged that he would go behind my back to gossip about my boyfriend-- a human being, might I add-- as if he were some sort of intrusive foreign object.
I called my father in a fit of anger and demanded to know what exactly he'd said. I didn't get answers. I didn't get sorry. I didn't get what I wanted or needed to hear. I got "you can date a Black man-- but I wouldn't want you to marry one." I was told that I had to preserve my culture, that White people belong with White people and "colored" people belong with colored people. It didn't matter that Luke has treated me leagues better than any of the White men I was involved with before him. No amount of kindness and respect would unkink his hair, narrow his nose, lighten his skin, or erase his Jamaican father that ran away before he was born. To my father, the essence of the person I love so much does not matter, only his race.
That was my first real, true encounter with racism. It's out there. It's very, very real. No matter what anyone says, we are not in a post-racial society. People still say the "N" word in jest and to harm. People cross the street when the see a person of another color walking toward them. People will tell you that love cannot be colorblind.
Here's what I want you to do: check out the links and videos I've listed below. I've got some recommended satires, some slam poetry, a couple articles, and some music. After you've done that, I want you to challenge yourself to do the following: next time someone makes a racist remark-- even if it's supposed to be a "joke"-- say something. Don't stand idly by and condone their ignorance. Tell them that what they're doing is wrong. Ask if they know that the words they're saying are hurtful. Whatever you do, don't just let it go. We will never even be able to entertain the idea of a "post-racial society" until we stop treating racism as acceptable.
As part of International Blog About Racism Week (it officially ends on Monday, but don't let that stop you), here are some videos, links, and great books for you to check out and get you really thinking about racism.
Abolish the "N" Word: Watch the intro, please.
Emmett Till
Raising Katie: What adopting a White girl taught one Black family
Erasure by Percival Everett: Black existentialist author Thelonius "Monk" Ellison. is disgusted when he finds out the biggest novel around is "We's Lives in Da Ghetto," penned by a Black woman who spent but one weekend in Harlem. To poke fun at her novel, he writes a parody titled "My Pafology." To his disgust, it quickly rockets to the top of the bestseller list and for the first time in his writing career, he is a highly recognized and highly paid. Percival Everett is an exquisite writer and this book is one of his finest.
Negrophobia by Darius James: the most bizarre book you'll ever read. I won't spoil it, but it's thick with delightful social commentary.
Pinktoes by Chester Himes: all you need to know is that it's about Mamie Mason, a Black socialite, who attempts to promote racial harmony through wild, desegregated orgies. One of the more entertaining satires I've read.
Black No More by George S. Schuyler: the first African-American-written satire known. Schuyler creates a world where science has allowed Black people to turn themselves into White people. One would think the invention would lessen racism, but instead society becomes more paranoid than ever. A very accessible satire, and extremely enjoyable.
Bi-Racial Hair by Zora Howard: I couldn't embed this slam poem, but do check it out-- it gives me chills every time. Can you believe she was 14 when she wrote and performed this?
Nigger Niggas & Niggaz by Julian Curry
Yellow Rage
Strange Fruit by Billie Holiday
Black or White by Michael Jackson
They Don't Really Care About Us by Michael Jackson
"Some things in life we just don't want to see, but if Martin Luther was living, he wouldn't let this be."
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
No Self Control
Months ago, I expressed more than slight mortification at the fact that I brought 26 pairs of shoes to college with me. Firstly, I am a bit horrified by the degree of excess this indicates in my life. Do I need 26+ pairs of shoes? Like any thing someone puts on their body, there are some pairs I'll wear a zillionty times in a year and others that I'll wear approximately once, if at all. This is completely ridiculous and indicates the degree to which I need to seriously assess and prune my closet. Secondly, when on earth did I think it was a good idea to bring so many shoes that they took up one entire large suitcase on their own? Trust me, my dorm room is probably somewhere between no more and marginally more roomy than the ones you may have experienced.
Discovering the sheer amount of stuff I have has really deterred me from doing a good deal of shopping (NOTE: I almost typed "shooping"-- completely different). This has been good for my wallet and my sanity. I've hardly bought any clothes this summer, because, honestly, there is some point at which you run out of hangers and spaces to store your stillettos and something has to give. Getting rid of clothing is hard. Not buying clothing-- depending on who you are-- is hard. Sometimes, though, for your own good, you must cut yourself off.
Ideally, I would like to take a day to seriously look at and try on everything I own and thin the herd significantly. Like I said, I'm like most people in that I have relatively few specific articles of clothing I actually wear out of the clothing I actually own (especially in the summer where I don't bother to get out of my nightclothes at least four days a week when I only leave the house for work noIamnotlazythankyouforasking). I would like to say that this is what I will do and then, and ONLY then, will I proceed to buy new stuff. Stuff I love. Stuff that will make choosing outfits excruciatingly difficult due to the fact that I want to wear everything at once every day. That would be the perfect wardrobe: one where you don't know what to wear because you love everything so much.
However, this little speech leads but to one statement.
okay so these have multiple straps and are freakin' yellow. yellow! everyone needs a pair of yellow shoes, right?
target: $22.99
it's probably completely weird of me, but these make me think of A of academichic and her oft worn grey wedges, which alone is enough to want these really badly. plus, i don't have a lot of "practical" heels.
target: $19.99
OMG WANT.
We'll see how "being reasonable" goes.
Discovering the sheer amount of stuff I have has really deterred me from doing a good deal of shopping (NOTE: I almost typed "shooping"-- completely different). This has been good for my wallet and my sanity. I've hardly bought any clothes this summer, because, honestly, there is some point at which you run out of hangers and spaces to store your stillettos and something has to give. Getting rid of clothing is hard. Not buying clothing-- depending on who you are-- is hard. Sometimes, though, for your own good, you must cut yourself off.
Ideally, I would like to take a day to seriously look at and try on everything I own and thin the herd significantly. Like I said, I'm like most people in that I have relatively few specific articles of clothing I actually wear out of the clothing I actually own (especially in the summer where I don't bother to get out of my nightclothes at least four days a week when I only leave the house for work noIamnotlazythankyouforasking). I would like to say that this is what I will do and then, and ONLY then, will I proceed to buy new stuff. Stuff I love. Stuff that will make choosing outfits excruciatingly difficult due to the fact that I want to wear everything at once every day. That would be the perfect wardrobe: one where you don't know what to wear because you love everything so much.
However, this little speech leads but to one statement.
okay so these have multiple straps and are freakin' yellow. yellow! everyone needs a pair of yellow shoes, right?target: $22.99
it's probably completely weird of me, but these make me think of A of academichic and her oft worn grey wedges, which alone is enough to want these really badly. plus, i don't have a lot of "practical" heels.
target: $19.99
OMG WANT.
We'll see how "being reasonable" goes.
Friday, July 24, 2009
823key Project
Instead of me blabbing about how much I like my 823key and how much I want you to buy one, too, I'm just going to convince you of that latter part by showing you a visual account of my 823key experience.
the tiny box was also hand-addressed.
the thank you note.
hidden away in a little pouch! oh my the suspense...
823a.
my key was the 191st to be given out. what number will you be?
umm i'm so going to wear this with everything.
I don't really know what to say about it. I love it. Please, you guys, check out the 823 Project site and consider buying your own key. I know it's quite a chunk of money for a lot of us, but funding the arts is a really, really good cause.
the tiny box was also hand-addressed.
the thank you note.
hidden away in a little pouch! oh my the suspense...
823a.
my key was the 191st to be given out. what number will you be?
umm i'm so going to wear this with everything.
I don't really know what to say about it. I love it. Please, you guys, check out the 823 Project site and consider buying your own key. I know it's quite a chunk of money for a lot of us, but funding the arts is a really, really good cause.
ShoeMall Wants YOU to Win Free Shoes- Enter Now!
"Head on over to ShoeMall right away! You know why? Oh, you know, nothing major... just a chance to win $500 worth of shoes! Sounds good, right? Just click the link and enter your e-mail.
By the way, don't be greedy-- make sure you share this valuable information with YOUR friends, too. After all, every person you refer (through a linking system they provide you with) will earn you an extra chance to win. That's still being generous, right? Right. We'll go with that."
By the way, don't be greedy-- make sure you share this valuable information with YOUR friends, too. After all, every person you refer (through a linking system they provide you with) will earn you an extra chance to win. That's still being generous, right? Right. We'll go with that."
Step into summer with the chance to win free shoes from ShoeMall. Click 'Get Started’' to enter to win a $500 ShoeMall gift certificate. You can even choose to share this contest with your friends to earn additional chances to win!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Bandwagon OR Another Diversion from Your Regularly Scheduled Programming
baaa i follow internet trends baaaaaAll right. I know I've had my reservations about Twitter for some time now, but... I got one. I finally ended up becoming quite envious enough of looking at people's blogs and seeing them amiably chit-chatting without me. That's it. I want in on this Twitter thing. The problem is, I don't (to my knowledge) have any *ahem* IRL friends that have one. So here I am, looking at my humble little Twitter page with nothing to do, no one to follow, no one to follow me.
That's where you come in.
My Twitter= http://twitter.com/MirrorGoRound
You should add me so I have someone to tweet to.
I know you have a Twitter. Don't lie to me. Just add me or leave your Twitter thingie in the comments. Either that or I'll have to be a creep and track you (yes, you) down. Sound good?
I'm not sure yet if Twitter will catch on for me, since I totally forgot it existed until approximately five minutes ago. Hopefully having a few buddies so I don't feel as hopelessly confused will help (speaking of buddies, I am pretty much chained to my Facebook, so feel free to totally friend request me and I'll, like, comment on your wall or like your status and all that good stuff).
Actual blogging will continue soon. I've been a bit of a lazy blogger lately, but the summer has been pretty full-up with work and fun. No complaints, I suppose, but it hasn't been too conducive to me sitting down and blogging every single day. I used to think that summer break would be more conducive to blogging than being at college, but it's turned out to be exactly the opposite. I have a bunch of posts lined up in my head, though, trust me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Style and Life Lessons I've Learned from My Boyfriend: The Importance of Dressing Down
Me: "You want to pick out what I wear today?"
Luke: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah, go through my stuff and I'll wear whatever you want."
Luke: *look of glee*
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
Me: *I look at the clothes set out on my bed: jeans and a tee-shirt with a giraffe on it. My only pair of sneakers is sitting at the foot of said bed.* "This is what you picked?"
Luke: *rapid, childlike nod*
Me: "But I have so many cute dresses! This is what you picked?"
Luke: "You never wear jeans."
Me: "So?"
Luke: "Jeans are hot. Anyone can look good in a nice dress. When a girl wears jeans and a t-shirt, it means she's fun and sexy."
Me: "So... wait; I'm not fun?"
Luke: "No, you're fun. You just don't always look fun."
Me: "I'm not sure what to think of this."
Luke: "Wear the jeans."
Moral of the Story: let go and wear your play clothes more often.
Luke: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah, go through my stuff and I'll wear whatever you want."
Luke: *look of glee*
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER
Me: *I look at the clothes set out on my bed: jeans and a tee-shirt with a giraffe on it. My only pair of sneakers is sitting at the foot of said bed.* "This is what you picked?"
Luke: *rapid, childlike nod*
Me: "But I have so many cute dresses! This is what you picked?"
Luke: "You never wear jeans."
Me: "So?"
Luke: "Jeans are hot. Anyone can look good in a nice dress. When a girl wears jeans and a t-shirt, it means she's fun and sexy."
Me: "So... wait; I'm not fun?"
Luke: "No, you're fun. You just don't always look fun."
Me: "I'm not sure what to think of this."
Luke: "Wear the jeans."
Moral of the Story: let go and wear your play clothes more often.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Letters to AskMen.Com
Note: PLEASE, for the love of God, readers, read the AskMen article I've linked to. Not that I want to give this disgusting website any traffic, but you really have to read this shit to believe I'm not making it up.
Dear AskMen.Com,
I have rarely been as motherfucking pissed off as I am right now. I just read your lovely educational article entitled "Top 10: Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Getting Fat." I am floored. First of all, "subtle?" Poor choice of word, unless you're using it to mean "manipulative, obvious, and douchey." Second... okay, I don't even know. Like, did you pay someone to write this? Does this person have a girlfriend? Does he have frosty-tips and man-boob-pecs? Can I get his address so I can properly egg his house?
I mean, these are your 10 suggestions?
1. Take her to places she has to wear a swimsuit
2. Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
3. Sabotage her chair (anyone who didn't read the actual article yet: they mean by loosening the bolts to make it effing fall apart under her weight)
4. Ask her to wear an old dress
5. Playfully grab her love handles
6. Improve your own diet
7. Serve her unsatisfactory portions
8. Set out on your own weightloss plan
9. Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of "stress relief"
10. Buy her clothes that are too small
By the way, all of these bullet points would be appropriately followed by the phrase "so as to purposely make her feel like an ugly, worthless piece of crap."
Jezebel truly addresses this article best. I was intending to address all the points of the article with my enraged comments, but if you read the Jezebel piece, you'll get the picture perfectly. Please read it before continuing, yes?
So, the following, AskMen.Com, is what I want to say to you and every single reader you have who would tend to think that this crock of disgusting, mysoginistic bullshit is. And, I'll have you know, I don't like tirading. I don't like being disrespectful, and swearing a lot, and not having "journalistic integrity" like I might like to maintain in case I ever reference this blog in an interview for a writing gig. But you, sirs, have sent me off the ever-loving deep end with this one and I'm just not going to censor myself. So here it is:
How dare you? I don't know how anyone can call himself a decent boyfriend/husband/lover/whatever and keep any shred of intuition that he is doing his girl a favor when he is acting in such a vindictive manner. How can you possibly suggest you humiliate someone you supposedly care about? And for what? So that she can be your little trophy? Not once do you mention the idea that losing weight would be healthy. You want your girl to feel bad because she doesn't look as good in a bikini as some size 0, because she doesn't look like she did in the past. You want her to feel like she owes you something by joining you BS weightloss efforts, because, goddam, she'd better look good for her studly prize of a man. Have you ever given it an ounce of thought that maybe you're not God's gift to women? And, I mean, let's not even get into how this article reeks of the assumption that if you're fat, you sit around on your ass all day "replace[ing] sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake." Give me a fucking break.
Let me share something with you: there are 6-year-old girls out there right now who feel absolute fear over the idea of becoming fat. There are elementary school girls foregoing snacktime because they think they're disgusting. There are girls and women of every age shoving their fingers down their throats and taking laxatives to look like the photoshopped images that men like you seem to think are beautiful. There are girls and women abusing themselves with all the hate they can possibly muster because they wish they could look like those images the media has created for us, images that aren't real or healthy or normal or, in my opinion, even that attractive. I'd rather look at Beth Ditto over Nicole Richie any day. This article you've published, I guarantee you, is enough to make some girl somewhere feel like absolute crap, even without the man in her life actively taking this advice to make her feel that way.
And I will have you know, by the way, that I wear fucking size 10 jeans. I would prefer to be smaller-- I won't deny it. But I never felt as sexy and confident in size 4 jeans as I do right now. My boyfriend treats me with respect. He thinks I'm hot because I've got meat on my bones. If he didn't, I wouldn't want any part of him.
This is the thing: if any guy would even entertain the idea of humiliating his girlfriend so that she'll get thinner rather than loving her for, you know, who she is, then he doesn't deserve to ever get laid ever again. He doesn't deserve the pleasure of a woman's love or time or body or anything. The kind of man who would emotionally abuse a woman by dropping "subtle" hints that she's inadequate is quite honestly a piece of shit. Nothing more. Ladies, if you are dating this kind of guy, dump his ass. Right now. Don't even keep reading this. Dump him and come back. Trust me, you're better off.
I also have to add that the intro to this article says "For obvious reasons [you can't say], 'You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive' . Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process."
How on EARTH do you think that rigging a woman's chair to break so that she thinks she's too fat for her goddam chair is a way to tell her she's fat without making her feel like shit? Like your girlfriend who's gained 15 pounds is going to believe that she crossed that chair's weight-supporting threshold. I'm willing to bet she's not a complete flipping idiot, but of course you have no respect for her whatsoever so you wouldn't realize that anyway. Sir, I would never forgive my boyfriend when I found out he couldn't be honest with me and discuss a problem with me, let alone that fact that he's a manipulative tool who obviously wants me for nothing more than being the doormat he uses to sate his sexual desires.
AskMen, I am disgusted. The thoughts I have about this are rattling so quickly around my head right now that I don't even wish to write any more about this. Your site and everything you stand for is absolutely repulsive. You are what's wrong with society today. You are why I fear for every single woman on this earth's self-esteem. You are the fucking cancer killing so many beautiful women of all sizes all over this world, destroying them from the inside out.
Oh, I mean that. Sincerely.
FUCK YOU,
Vanessa
P.S. If you're as raging mad as I am right now, go to this address and give AskMen a piece of your mind.
Dear AskMen.Com,
I have rarely been as motherfucking pissed off as I am right now. I just read your lovely educational article entitled "Top 10: Subtle Ways To Tell Her She's Getting Fat." I am floored. First of all, "subtle?" Poor choice of word, unless you're using it to mean "manipulative, obvious, and douchey." Second... okay, I don't even know. Like, did you pay someone to write this? Does this person have a girlfriend? Does he have frosty-tips and man-boob-pecs? Can I get his address so I can properly egg his house?
I mean, these are your 10 suggestions?
1. Take her to places she has to wear a swimsuit
2. Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
3. Sabotage her chair (anyone who didn't read the actual article yet: they mean by loosening the bolts to make it effing fall apart under her weight)
4. Ask her to wear an old dress
5. Playfully grab her love handles
6. Improve your own diet
7. Serve her unsatisfactory portions
8. Set out on your own weightloss plan
9. Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of "stress relief"
10. Buy her clothes that are too small
By the way, all of these bullet points would be appropriately followed by the phrase "so as to purposely make her feel like an ugly, worthless piece of crap."
Jezebel truly addresses this article best. I was intending to address all the points of the article with my enraged comments, but if you read the Jezebel piece, you'll get the picture perfectly. Please read it before continuing, yes?
So, the following, AskMen.Com, is what I want to say to you and every single reader you have who would tend to think that this crock of disgusting, mysoginistic bullshit is. And, I'll have you know, I don't like tirading. I don't like being disrespectful, and swearing a lot, and not having "journalistic integrity" like I might like to maintain in case I ever reference this blog in an interview for a writing gig. But you, sirs, have sent me off the ever-loving deep end with this one and I'm just not going to censor myself. So here it is:
How dare you? I don't know how anyone can call himself a decent boyfriend/husband/lover/whatever and keep any shred of intuition that he is doing his girl a favor when he is acting in such a vindictive manner. How can you possibly suggest you humiliate someone you supposedly care about? And for what? So that she can be your little trophy? Not once do you mention the idea that losing weight would be healthy. You want your girl to feel bad because she doesn't look as good in a bikini as some size 0, because she doesn't look like she did in the past. You want her to feel like she owes you something by joining you BS weightloss efforts, because, goddam, she'd better look good for her studly prize of a man. Have you ever given it an ounce of thought that maybe you're not God's gift to women? And, I mean, let's not even get into how this article reeks of the assumption that if you're fat, you sit around on your ass all day "replace[ing] sexual intimacy with ice cream and cake." Give me a fucking break.
Let me share something with you: there are 6-year-old girls out there right now who feel absolute fear over the idea of becoming fat. There are elementary school girls foregoing snacktime because they think they're disgusting. There are girls and women of every age shoving their fingers down their throats and taking laxatives to look like the photoshopped images that men like you seem to think are beautiful. There are girls and women abusing themselves with all the hate they can possibly muster because they wish they could look like those images the media has created for us, images that aren't real or healthy or normal or, in my opinion, even that attractive. I'd rather look at Beth Ditto over Nicole Richie any day. This article you've published, I guarantee you, is enough to make some girl somewhere feel like absolute crap, even without the man in her life actively taking this advice to make her feel that way.
And I will have you know, by the way, that I wear fucking size 10 jeans. I would prefer to be smaller-- I won't deny it. But I never felt as sexy and confident in size 4 jeans as I do right now. My boyfriend treats me with respect. He thinks I'm hot because I've got meat on my bones. If he didn't, I wouldn't want any part of him.
This is the thing: if any guy would even entertain the idea of humiliating his girlfriend so that she'll get thinner rather than loving her for, you know, who she is, then he doesn't deserve to ever get laid ever again. He doesn't deserve the pleasure of a woman's love or time or body or anything. The kind of man who would emotionally abuse a woman by dropping "subtle" hints that she's inadequate is quite honestly a piece of shit. Nothing more. Ladies, if you are dating this kind of guy, dump his ass. Right now. Don't even keep reading this. Dump him and come back. Trust me, you're better off.
I also have to add that the intro to this article says "For obvious reasons [you can't say], 'You’ve put on weight, and I find you less attractive' . Even if it does have the desired effect and she goes on to drop a few pounds, she’ll never forgive you for pointing it out so bluntly and making her feel like sh*t in the process."
How on EARTH do you think that rigging a woman's chair to break so that she thinks she's too fat for her goddam chair is a way to tell her she's fat without making her feel like shit? Like your girlfriend who's gained 15 pounds is going to believe that she crossed that chair's weight-supporting threshold. I'm willing to bet she's not a complete flipping idiot, but of course you have no respect for her whatsoever so you wouldn't realize that anyway. Sir, I would never forgive my boyfriend when I found out he couldn't be honest with me and discuss a problem with me, let alone that fact that he's a manipulative tool who obviously wants me for nothing more than being the doormat he uses to sate his sexual desires.
AskMen, I am disgusted. The thoughts I have about this are rattling so quickly around my head right now that I don't even wish to write any more about this. Your site and everything you stand for is absolutely repulsive. You are what's wrong with society today. You are why I fear for every single woman on this earth's self-esteem. You are the fucking cancer killing so many beautiful women of all sizes all over this world, destroying them from the inside out.
Oh, I mean that. Sincerely.
FUCK YOU,
Vanessa
P.S. If you're as raging mad as I am right now, go to this address and give AskMen a piece of your mind.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
On Dermatophagia: Part 3, More Therapy
The third installation in my series on dermatophagia and dermatillomania.
*****
If you've just come across my blog and would like to read the first two entries on these disorders, go here.
Since the last post I made about my experience with therapy, a couple of important things have happened. First, I have been trying to do daily relaxation exercises to bring down my arousal levels, especially while at home and not with my boyfriend, which seems to be when I bite and pick most. Second, we've begun to discuss the idea of Habit Removal Therapy. I'll tell y'all all about that, too.
So. I've still been logging all my biting and picking. It's become a habit to think about the fact that I need to write down when I bite or pick, but it's sometimes quite frustrating to have to write things down. For some reason, that doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent from actually doing the behavior. On the bright side, however, I feel a lot more aware of what I'm doing to myself. I don't feel as much like I bite or pick completely absent-mindedly, to the point where I'm not really aware of what I'm doing. It's a step in the right direction anyway.
The second time I went to Dr. Longpre, my therapist, we talked a lot about relaxation as one method that might help me to overcome my biting and picking problems. We did a long relaxation exercise in his office. I almost fell asleep, as I was pretty sleepy when I got to the office anyway.
BASIC RELAXATION EXERCISE: THE LONG VERSION
1. Get into a comfortable seat-- you're going to be there for about 15-20 minutes. Close your eyes.
2. Begin by turning your focus to your hands. Make fists as hard as you can and hold them for awhile, focusing on the feelings of tension and any other feelings you might experience (physical or emotional if the case may be). After a few seconds, release your fists and focus on how it feels as your hands return to a relaxed state. Repeat once.
NOTE: If you do wish to try this at home and aren't skipping this whole listamajig, I'll let you know that the rest of the steps are basically just like step two, so I will from here on out tell you what body part to focus on/tense/relax and how you're going to do it. Every step should be repeated once.
3. Forearms: to tense them, bend your hands toward you.
4. Shoulders: to tense them, shrug and hold it.
5. Forehead: to tense, raise your eyebrows.
6. Eyes: to tense them, close your eyes really really tight.
7. Mouth: purse your lips.
8. Jaw: bite down just hard enough to create tension
9. Chest: deep breath in and hold it.
10. Abdomen/Stomach: suck in your tummy.
11. Thighs: id you're in a chair, lift your feet off the ground so that your legs are in a straight line.
12. Calves: with your legs back down, bend your feet toward you.
13. Once you've done all of the body parts-- repeating two sets of tension and relaxation for each-- go back and focus on each body part one more time. You don't have to tense and relax again; you can just think about the respective feelings.
14. When you're done, sit still, eyes still closed, and focus on your breathing for about two minutes. For this reason and the fact that there are a lot of body parts to remember, it may be helpful to have a significant other/patient friend/whomever to help you. Of course, it's not necessary and if you don't sit exactly two minutes you're not going to explode. So, sit for that two minutes, breathing deeply. With every exhale try to think the word "calm" to yourself.
15. Open your eyes. Proceed with life.
Whoo! That was long, eh? Anyway, I was supposed to do that every day for awhile, which happened sometimes and didn't happen on others. I'll be straightforward about that. I will say, however, that the process is very relaxing, and I'd recommend trying it if you've got some free time and feel like chilling out.
On the next visit, Dr. Longpre told me about a shorter version of the aforementioned relaxation exercise, which is basically (no enumerated steps necessary, I don't believe) to just focus on all those body parts, breathing calmly and generally relaxing. You don't have to tense them or do repetitions. Also, when you get to the end to do the breathing exercise, instead of a silent couple of minutes, simply count back slowly from ten to one. Every number you go down, imagine you are descending further into some kind of metaphor for relaxation, i.e. picture yourself going down in an elevator (often not very relaxing for me, unless I also go through the trouble of imagining muzak) or falling lightly through clouds or something of the sort. Marshmallow fluff, whatever floats your boat. So, if you want to do some relaxation process but don't want to have it take up 20 minutes, this is your exercise.
Also, remember when you're relaxing to do your best to dismiss any thoughts that don't relate to the exercise. Let them come into your head, but don't follow them.
Now, the really interesting part about this entry, and the most exciting part for me, concerns the Habit Removal Therapy process. Dr. Longpre and I discussed how this process will start and hopefully be amazing and something I can follow through with.
In a very basic sense (and it's a very basic, intuitive process, really) we're just going to introduce a behavior that is incompatible with biting and picking. For instance, we agreed that every time I feel the urge to bite or pick, I will make fists with both hands. I mean, you might fear that you'll look a little weird making random fists in public, but no one will probably notice anyway. The idea is that once I get the urge and make fists, it is impossible to bite or pick while the fists are held (for about 30 seconds, he recommends). It is very important that I also do the incompatible behavior every time. Serious stuff. No biting. No picking. At all.
In theory, pretty easy. In practice, I think it's going to be very, very hard and emotionally taxing. Dr. Longpre said that I have to start when I believe I'm ready (just like someone trying to quit smoking, start a diet, stop drinking, etc.)
I haven't believed I'm ready yet. The idea of changing the behavior is both extremely exciting and rather terrifying. When I think about it, I think back to a few weeks ago when my boyfriend saw me about to bite and grabbed my hands. There was a piece of loose skin I had been priming to bite just hanging there, taunting me. For some reason still unclear to me, I could not deal with seeing that piece of skin and not biting it. The tension and anxiety welling up in me became nearly unbearable surprisingly quickly. Since I never really prevent myself from biting or picking, I'm not really too familiar with what it feels like to really be restrained and told "no." But for once, instead of just telling me not to, my boyfriend physically restrained me. I thought I would cry. That kind of feeling of panic and desperation I experienced in those couple of minutes was so animal, foreign, and childlike (practically begging and throwing a mini-tantrum to get him to let me go so I could do what I "needed" to do). The thought of being so intensely uncomfortable for awhile is unpleasant. I know it will probably be a big help and that if I stick with it, I could be free of the discomfort of the very desire to bite and pick, but the idea of that temporary discomfort is terrifying.
I don't know when I'll be ready. The plan is always hanging there in my head, ready to be put into action. I just don't know when. Sometimes I doubt if there will ever be a real "ready." Maybe I just have to give it a shot and see where it goes.
I'm going to do it, and I'm going to keep you updated. I don't know when I'll write about this next, as I think the Habit Removal process will be the next "big topic" to discuss with you, but if you're interested, do send me an e-mail and I can let you know next time I put a post like this up.
You can send me e-mails at vformato@clarku.edu. I've received a bunch so far, to my surprise. Thank you for those. You can't imagine the warmth and happiness I feel when I get an e-mail from people with dermatophagia or dermatillomania to tell me their story. It's amazing, really. Also, anyone who's been commenting, thanks for that, too. The original post I made got so much more of a response than I thought it would. Thank you all for helping me to know that doing all of this is worthwhile to other people as well as myself.
*****
If you've just come across my blog and would like to read the first two entries on these disorders, go here.
Since the last post I made about my experience with therapy, a couple of important things have happened. First, I have been trying to do daily relaxation exercises to bring down my arousal levels, especially while at home and not with my boyfriend, which seems to be when I bite and pick most. Second, we've begun to discuss the idea of Habit Removal Therapy. I'll tell y'all all about that, too.
So. I've still been logging all my biting and picking. It's become a habit to think about the fact that I need to write down when I bite or pick, but it's sometimes quite frustrating to have to write things down. For some reason, that doesn't seem to be much of a deterrent from actually doing the behavior. On the bright side, however, I feel a lot more aware of what I'm doing to myself. I don't feel as much like I bite or pick completely absent-mindedly, to the point where I'm not really aware of what I'm doing. It's a step in the right direction anyway.
The second time I went to Dr. Longpre, my therapist, we talked a lot about relaxation as one method that might help me to overcome my biting and picking problems. We did a long relaxation exercise in his office. I almost fell asleep, as I was pretty sleepy when I got to the office anyway.
BASIC RELAXATION EXERCISE: THE LONG VERSION
1. Get into a comfortable seat-- you're going to be there for about 15-20 minutes. Close your eyes.
2. Begin by turning your focus to your hands. Make fists as hard as you can and hold them for awhile, focusing on the feelings of tension and any other feelings you might experience (physical or emotional if the case may be). After a few seconds, release your fists and focus on how it feels as your hands return to a relaxed state. Repeat once.
NOTE: If you do wish to try this at home and aren't skipping this whole listamajig, I'll let you know that the rest of the steps are basically just like step two, so I will from here on out tell you what body part to focus on/tense/relax and how you're going to do it. Every step should be repeated once.
3. Forearms: to tense them, bend your hands toward you.
4. Shoulders: to tense them, shrug and hold it.
5. Forehead: to tense, raise your eyebrows.
6. Eyes: to tense them, close your eyes really really tight.
7. Mouth: purse your lips.
8. Jaw: bite down just hard enough to create tension
9. Chest: deep breath in and hold it.
10. Abdomen/Stomach: suck in your tummy.
11. Thighs: id you're in a chair, lift your feet off the ground so that your legs are in a straight line.
12. Calves: with your legs back down, bend your feet toward you.
13. Once you've done all of the body parts-- repeating two sets of tension and relaxation for each-- go back and focus on each body part one more time. You don't have to tense and relax again; you can just think about the respective feelings.
14. When you're done, sit still, eyes still closed, and focus on your breathing for about two minutes. For this reason and the fact that there are a lot of body parts to remember, it may be helpful to have a significant other/patient friend/whomever to help you. Of course, it's not necessary and if you don't sit exactly two minutes you're not going to explode. So, sit for that two minutes, breathing deeply. With every exhale try to think the word "calm" to yourself.
15. Open your eyes. Proceed with life.
Whoo! That was long, eh? Anyway, I was supposed to do that every day for awhile, which happened sometimes and didn't happen on others. I'll be straightforward about that. I will say, however, that the process is very relaxing, and I'd recommend trying it if you've got some free time and feel like chilling out.
On the next visit, Dr. Longpre told me about a shorter version of the aforementioned relaxation exercise, which is basically (no enumerated steps necessary, I don't believe) to just focus on all those body parts, breathing calmly and generally relaxing. You don't have to tense them or do repetitions. Also, when you get to the end to do the breathing exercise, instead of a silent couple of minutes, simply count back slowly from ten to one. Every number you go down, imagine you are descending further into some kind of metaphor for relaxation, i.e. picture yourself going down in an elevator (often not very relaxing for me, unless I also go through the trouble of imagining muzak) or falling lightly through clouds or something of the sort. Marshmallow fluff, whatever floats your boat. So, if you want to do some relaxation process but don't want to have it take up 20 minutes, this is your exercise.
Also, remember when you're relaxing to do your best to dismiss any thoughts that don't relate to the exercise. Let them come into your head, but don't follow them.
Now, the really interesting part about this entry, and the most exciting part for me, concerns the Habit Removal Therapy process. Dr. Longpre and I discussed how this process will start and hopefully be amazing and something I can follow through with.
In a very basic sense (and it's a very basic, intuitive process, really) we're just going to introduce a behavior that is incompatible with biting and picking. For instance, we agreed that every time I feel the urge to bite or pick, I will make fists with both hands. I mean, you might fear that you'll look a little weird making random fists in public, but no one will probably notice anyway. The idea is that once I get the urge and make fists, it is impossible to bite or pick while the fists are held (for about 30 seconds, he recommends). It is very important that I also do the incompatible behavior every time. Serious stuff. No biting. No picking. At all.
In theory, pretty easy. In practice, I think it's going to be very, very hard and emotionally taxing. Dr. Longpre said that I have to start when I believe I'm ready (just like someone trying to quit smoking, start a diet, stop drinking, etc.)
I haven't believed I'm ready yet. The idea of changing the behavior is both extremely exciting and rather terrifying. When I think about it, I think back to a few weeks ago when my boyfriend saw me about to bite and grabbed my hands. There was a piece of loose skin I had been priming to bite just hanging there, taunting me. For some reason still unclear to me, I could not deal with seeing that piece of skin and not biting it. The tension and anxiety welling up in me became nearly unbearable surprisingly quickly. Since I never really prevent myself from biting or picking, I'm not really too familiar with what it feels like to really be restrained and told "no." But for once, instead of just telling me not to, my boyfriend physically restrained me. I thought I would cry. That kind of feeling of panic and desperation I experienced in those couple of minutes was so animal, foreign, and childlike (practically begging and throwing a mini-tantrum to get him to let me go so I could do what I "needed" to do). The thought of being so intensely uncomfortable for awhile is unpleasant. I know it will probably be a big help and that if I stick with it, I could be free of the discomfort of the very desire to bite and pick, but the idea of that temporary discomfort is terrifying.
I don't know when I'll be ready. The plan is always hanging there in my head, ready to be put into action. I just don't know when. Sometimes I doubt if there will ever be a real "ready." Maybe I just have to give it a shot and see where it goes.
I'm going to do it, and I'm going to keep you updated. I don't know when I'll write about this next, as I think the Habit Removal process will be the next "big topic" to discuss with you, but if you're interested, do send me an e-mail and I can let you know next time I put a post like this up.
You can send me e-mails at vformato@clarku.edu. I've received a bunch so far, to my surprise. Thank you for those. You can't imagine the warmth and happiness I feel when I get an e-mail from people with dermatophagia or dermatillomania to tell me their story. It's amazing, really. Also, anyone who's been commenting, thanks for that, too. The original post I made got so much more of a response than I thought it would. Thank you all for helping me to know that doing all of this is worthwhile to other people as well as myself.
Monday, July 13, 2009
I Want to Dress Like...
...Queen Amidala: elaborate dresses inspired by Asian royalty, red lipstick, and pale, pale skin. My headdresses would speak for themselves.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
(Love) Letters to John Galliano
Dear John Galliano,
I know I keep writing you to say that I am so eagerly waiting for the return of your crazy. I mean, lately you haven't shown a whole lot of lobster armor, or degas dancers, or gilded jackal-women, or... oh, lordy, if I get started, I'll never stop. It's all incredible. The way you do complete excess is gorgeous, if I even dare say that during what will likely be the most devastating depression America has ever seen. You've reined yourself in a bit lately, and while browsing a slideshow of a couture collection where the models aren't dressed as geisha girls that got attacked by their bed sheets while gardening (and lost) is a little bit of a let-down, you never really cease to amaze me.
Marry me.
XOXO,
Vanessa
all photos courtesy of style.com
rest of dior couture fall 09 here
watch the show: part 1, part 2, part 3
I know I keep writing you to say that I am so eagerly waiting for the return of your crazy. I mean, lately you haven't shown a whole lot of lobster armor, or degas dancers, or gilded jackal-women, or... oh, lordy, if I get started, I'll never stop. It's all incredible. The way you do complete excess is gorgeous, if I even dare say that during what will likely be the most devastating depression America has ever seen. You've reined yourself in a bit lately, and while browsing a slideshow of a couture collection where the models aren't dressed as geisha girls that got attacked by their bed sheets while gardening (and lost) is a little bit of a let-down, you never really cease to amaze me.
Marry me.
XOXO,
Vanessa
all photos courtesy of style.com
rest of dior couture fall 09 here
watch the show: part 1, part 2, part 3
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Unlock an Artist's Future: 823 Key Project
The future of an artist often seems grim. In today's society, the choice to make a living, even partially, off of one's art (whether it be writing, painting, making music, filmmaking, etc.) is a frightening one. It's hard to get your name out there, and it's hard to find the kind of work that one can both enjoy and pay the bills with. Personally, I face this kind of future. After my first semester in college, I decided after a lot of tears and misery that I no longer wanted to go to medical school and that my best option would be to create a future around writing. My mother was none too pleased, and was-- and still am-- terribly hopeful and terribly frightened of what my future holds. Will I be able to pay the bills? Will I be able to be independent (my boyfriend is planning on being a lawyer, but what happens if our future as a couple is not what we dream it to be)? Will I even be able to get a writing career off the ground in an age where the print media is floundering? What are my options, anyway? The life of an artist is difficult and uncertain.
Sydnie at Take Me Out to the Runway wrote about an amazing project yesterday. It's called the 823 Key Project.
What is it?
Here's the deal: the project is selling a huge amount of skeleton key necklaces (which are awesome); there are 823 of them for every letter of the alphabet. When someone purchases one of these unique vintage key necklaces (the keys date from 1830 to 1940, and you'll receive one at random) for $75, that money goes into the 823 Project fund.
What is the fund itself?
At the 823 site, you can apply for a grant. Whatever your particular brand of art is, you're eligible-- just fill out the form that's available for download. Tell the good people at 823 why you deserve the award and how you'll make the world better through your art. Simple as that. The application will be available for download once the first round of keys is sold.
Once all 823 keys are sold for a letter (823 for A, for B, etc. etc. etc.), a board chooses one (or more "if grant applicants don't use all of the allotted money") of the grant applicants to receive up to $25,000 that will majorly help to open the door to their dream career. There will be about 26 grants awarded (one for each letter).
I commented on Sydnie's post just a few minutes ago, saying that I didn't feel I have the cash to purchase a key. I've been thinking about that. I've been thinking about what my $75 could mean to someone (maybe even myself if I were to apply and be chosen). I've been thinking about how that money-- which is coincidentally the exact amount of money I made at work last night-- could mean a little more certainty and encouragement to someone who faces the same kind of cruel, uncertain world that I do. Without people willing to purchase these keys, those grants will never be given, and that would be like telling those artists that their talent and vision is not enough.
I think that it's terribly important that these grants be given out, but it's up to people like us to make that happen. If you have the $75 to spare, buy a key. If you buy a key, you get beautiful, unique piece of jewelry to wear and the piece of mind that you did something for the arts, which are so often left in the dust of more "traditional" lifestyles.
So basically what I want to say is this: buy a key for yourself, for your friends, for all the artists out there who want to live the life they dream of.
At the very least, I strongly encourage you all to tell your friends and to blog about the project to help get the word out. It's a great cause.
P.S. I did end up purchasing one of the 823 keys for myself. I'll show it to y'all once it comes in the mail!
Sydnie at Take Me Out to the Runway wrote about an amazing project yesterday. It's called the 823 Key Project.
What is it?
Here's the deal: the project is selling a huge amount of skeleton key necklaces (which are awesome); there are 823 of them for every letter of the alphabet. When someone purchases one of these unique vintage key necklaces (the keys date from 1830 to 1940, and you'll receive one at random) for $75, that money goes into the 823 Project fund.
What is the fund itself?
At the 823 site, you can apply for a grant. Whatever your particular brand of art is, you're eligible-- just fill out the form that's available for download. Tell the good people at 823 why you deserve the award and how you'll make the world better through your art. Simple as that. The application will be available for download once the first round of keys is sold.
Once all 823 keys are sold for a letter (823 for A, for B, etc. etc. etc.), a board chooses one (or more "if grant applicants don't use all of the allotted money") of the grant applicants to receive up to $25,000 that will majorly help to open the door to their dream career. There will be about 26 grants awarded (one for each letter).
I commented on Sydnie's post just a few minutes ago, saying that I didn't feel I have the cash to purchase a key. I've been thinking about that. I've been thinking about what my $75 could mean to someone (maybe even myself if I were to apply and be chosen). I've been thinking about how that money-- which is coincidentally the exact amount of money I made at work last night-- could mean a little more certainty and encouragement to someone who faces the same kind of cruel, uncertain world that I do. Without people willing to purchase these keys, those grants will never be given, and that would be like telling those artists that their talent and vision is not enough.
I think that it's terribly important that these grants be given out, but it's up to people like us to make that happen. If you have the $75 to spare, buy a key. If you buy a key, you get beautiful, unique piece of jewelry to wear and the piece of mind that you did something for the arts, which are so often left in the dust of more "traditional" lifestyles.
So basically what I want to say is this: buy a key for yourself, for your friends, for all the artists out there who want to live the life they dream of.
At the very least, I strongly encourage you all to tell your friends and to blog about the project to help get the word out. It's a great cause.
P.S. I did end up purchasing one of the 823 keys for myself. I'll show it to y'all once it comes in the mail!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
A Practice in Forgiveness
by jennipenni
Write a "thank you" letter to someone who has hurt you. Tell them what they taught you about life, love, friendship, trust. The people that hurt us are often the people we want to forget, but they're also often the ones we owe our happiness and strength to.
Write a "thank you" letter. Send it. Don't send it. Tear it up and burn it. Cry over it until you can't read it. Show it to your significant other, your mom, your dog. Fold it into a paper airplane and send it soaring through the neighborhood for a stranger to read.
Write a "thank you" letter and truly be thankful. Truly do your best to forgive.
Write a "thank you" letter.
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