Just in Time for Thanksgiving

Are you a Pilgrim impersonator? Want to add authenticity to your act? Boy, does Kenneth Cole have the shoe for you.


Have a dorktastic Turkey Day!

I'm Molting!

This reminds me of Saturday morning cartoon antics. You know, like when the The Road Runner or someone unzips themself only to reveal that they were not, in fact, wearing a costume.

Rock Your Fruiting Body

She's not really that dorky. We've hardly heard her say anything truly dorky and I am very disappointed in the direction this blog has taken.

Doubt thou Vanessa doth be a dork?

Let me just paint you a mental picture:

It's 8 PM on a Saturday. I am the only person left in the entire Biology building, sitting at an old, turqouise iMac doing parsimony analyses to produce phylogenetic trees for a project about fungal DNA.

"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson comes on my mp3 player and I hop up for my stool and begin rocking out in what was-- in my head-- the best Michael Jackson impersonation ever. I am literally dancing around a Bio lab to 80s hits.

That's how I party hardcore, ya dig, son?

How to Put Some Giddy-Up in Your Step

chloe (net-a-porter.com) $750

Everytime I ever asked for a horse for Christmas, my mother always said "no." I can't imagine why, because riding to kindergarten on a stallion would've been pretty badass. I bet I would have had a lot of friends to use me for pony rides. Hell, as long as they would be willing to pay to rent my steed for birthday parties, it would be all good. But no. "A horse is too expensive," my mother would rationalize.

These shoes are a mere $750 dollars and are made with actual horseshoes. They may look like regular platforms at first, but in reality they are the pinnacle of equestrian chic. What could be more equestrian than pretty much being a human horse? Hyperbole? I think not.

Horses cost more than $750. They need to be fed. Shoes don't eat hay-- or anything else, for that mattter. Horses need stables. Shoes come with their own little home, no extra charge. Horses need to be cleaned up after. And, well, since shoes don't even eat-- well, you get the picture.

These shoes are for any other little girl who was denied her pony as a child. Now you can be a pony. Now you can live some twisted facsimile of your dream.

No thanks necessary.

Abercrombie & Fitch: Singlehandedly Destroying the Moral Fabric of America (as Well as My Hopes and Dreams)

abercrombie&fitch: $24.50

If only I agreed, Abercrombie Boy, we'd have a chance. If only I weren't holding out for my night in shining argyle.

How to Sneak a Gun into a Public Place and Not Get Caught*

bcbg max azria "tabatha" pants: $150

*This post courtesy of the legendary Covino.

Lock the Doors, Pull Down the Shades

I miss never having any time to myself, so when my roommate leaves for class or to... I don't know, do something other than pretend she doesn't have homework in our room, the first thing I do is go online. Oh, God, I'm so ashamed.... But I can't help it! It's an addiction!

You're perfect just the way you are, baby. I could oggle you for hours.

People want to judge you for being from Old Navy, but I want to rock you anyway.

Oh yeah. Look at you. Keep no secrets from me, darling. Turn around.

Gorgeous.

I would pay almost a thousand dollars to feel you on me.

Oh, my, you're see-through in just the right places.

I love the way you blush. It suits you. Oh yeah.

Is it a sin? If it is, I never want to do right.

Besides, it's never too cold for skirts in hell.

from top:

christian dior samurai bag: $3900 (at neiman marcus)

old navy outfit: example look from the site

victoria's secret crossback curvy jersey dress: $65

christian dior fall runway shoes: $990 (at eluxury.com)

bcggirls "cayla" shootie: $98 (at macys)

forever21 pleated bell sleeve coat: $49.80

Sir, No, Sir!

Okay, so here's the thing: camoflage is an excellent way for soldiers to hide from their enemies. It is also a great way for civilians to become my enemies.

I will admit that I have an actual Marine Corps hat that was given to me by a U.S. Marine. I will say I have worn it in public. But keep in mind that I have not worn it, say, with a dress. Camoflage is not formal wear. Have you ever noticed that, in the military, they have formal dress uniforms (camoflage is commonly relagated to the realm of the "battle dress uniform")? See? Those are sharp, don't you agree? Even if you don't, just take note of the fact that nothing in that picture is "woodland" or "desert" or generally splotches of protective coloring. Even the military ackowledges that there is a time to be functional and a time to be fashionable.


This is an actual boot you can find in the women's section of Macy's online. I mean, c'mon, really? Really, Tommy Hilfiger? I didn't want to shame the man who made this and I didn't want anyone to see this and go buy it, but let's just say this is made by Tommy Hilfiger and it just might be $98 more than it's worth.

This is a million horrible things in one, so much so that I'm having trouble thinking of anything to say. First of all, the long peasant skirt trend is sort've dead and is usually extremely unflattering. It ruins any chances you ever had of looking tall and lean. Then you have the shoes. She doesn't even redeem this outfit with cute shoes! Those are the ugliest, clunkiest, least imaginative flip-flops I have ever seen. And then there's the camo, which just makes

this skirt exponentially worse than it would've been if it were a solid color. Camo hides you in the jungle. It does not hide your body's flaws. Hard to believe, I know. But if you're carrying a spare tire and you decide to wrap it in camo, everyone will see. Camo draws attention to you. Because everyone likes to laugh.

I know what you're going to say: "But, Vanessa, this is obviously a Halloween costume! She's obviously dressed up as a Slutty Sargeant." Oh, reader, how I wish that were true. This is from an actual online catalog. The ad for the skirt, but that's almost the least of her problems. Though I always think a camo skirt is hilarious. They remind me of 8th grade girls who think they're going to look hardcore and jail-bait sexy at the same time. That's what I always figure they're going for. Anyway, let's talk about how she's gone for a camo top. Yes, it's a catalog that's trying to sell camo clothing and is trying to kill two birds with one stone, but let's pretend this is a real outfit. It might as well be. Camo on camo is overkill. If you're going to wear camo-- and I really wish you wouldn't-- oh my lord, please don't make it into a theme outfit. That alone makes it look very costumey, but the boots just take it to the next level of camp. I really don't know what to say about the boots. They're so wrong with this outfit. So. Wrong. I'm overwhelmed.

I was planning on having a really cute post full of cute things. But that's going to have to wait. You can't look at those cute pictures I found quite yet because you, or someone you know, or someone you went to middle school with wore camo as a fashion statement. And that garners you a Section Eight in my book.

Zebra Ho?

There once was a pop tart named Britney;

Her taste in Halloween get-ups was shitty.

Her hands were eaten by feathers,

Her skin resembled tanned leather--

At this rate, she'll never recover her kiddies!

Seriously, Britney. Part of me wishes you would pull yourself together. Sure, Pamela Anderson's kids will someday have to deal with the sex tape, but your children are going to have to come to terms with something far worse: constant public displays of tackiness. It's admittedly a bad idea to imply that Pam Anderson isn't publicly tacky, but work with me, Brit. At least, you know, it's normal for your boobs to be on display in a porn video with your husband. And, arguably, Tommy and Pammy didn't intend for anyone to see that. But this Halloween. This is you going out into public-- where you will be photographed-- knowing that you look like your boobs have seen 80 more years of life than you have. Sure, Halloween is a great excuse to be anything in the world you want to be but skankier. This is extreme. This is not okay. I'm not going to say anything about how your hair looks like you haven't showered in days and you need to touch up those roots a bit, or the fact that you're rockin' a double chin, because that's a bad photography issue. I mean, if I could be as gigantic as you are according to the media, I'd be pretty damn happy. But that's another story.

Britney, there is no such thing as a pink zebra. Is that what you're supposed to be? My God, woman, I don't even know what you're trying to be in this picture! Did the package this came out of say "Zebra Stripper Who Fell Into A Cotton Candy Machine, Got Pink Ducks Stuck to its Hooves, Had Parts of its Skin Eaten Off by Lions, and Used Mesh/Fishnets to Cover the Wounds"?

For the sake of the children, Britney. The only thing that could make this worse if you were wearing matching Crocs, but I can't prove that.

This is Your Shoe on Drugs

justsweet at macys.com, $69.99 (originally $115),

but please don't buy it.