Hanging My Head in Shame

I've been a lazy little blogger lately, and I do apologize. My schedule has basically been as follows (today is the specific example):

10ish: Rise and shine, sweetheart! That's what my alarm clock says right before I smack it in the head to make it shut up. This happens repeatedly for a half an hour. Then I put on a decent outfit but totally ignore the fact my hair looks like it survived a harrowing badger attack.

11:00-11:50: I sit through Daeg Brenner's review for the exam on Friday without really listening because I'm too busy faking my way through the math for a chem lab that's due in 3 hours. My hipster friend next to me talks about the Red Sox. He forgets I don't care. "Hipster," by the way, is the term I use to a boy wearing a Flock of Seagulls T-shirt, pink and black tie, baseball hat, and multi-colored Converse.

11:50-1:15: I run back to my room after class-- quickly grabbing a Coca-Cola Zero and some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (you're welcome for the plug, Coke and Hersey's) on the way-- to work on two labs and watch a little trashy VH1 programming. I finished up and threw on some heels to run to the lab.

1:25-What Felt Like the Rest of My Life: I had to titrate my goddam solution more times than is necessary because it turned too pink. Too. Pink. I know that you have no idea what I'm talking about and I don't want to relive the nightmare.

5:30-6:30: Dinner, which always takes way too long.

7:00-7:20: Walked around the library looking for the people in my presentation group but couldn't find them.

8:00-8:30: Happily watched Top Model, calling my dearest Covino (yes, the one with the Zorro in her car) during the commercials to talk about how she really wants a child named Spontaniouse. Unfortunately, the dude in my presentation group called me up to ask where I was. Apparently I'm blind. Put on my heels, don my coat, I'm off again.

8:35-9:30: I'm stupid, or at least that's what it feels like talking to the guy in my group. We're all doing presentations on Logic by Olympia Vernon (it was great-- read it), but he's older and more packed with rhetoric than I, so I mostly sat there and agreed with the things he said.

9:35-2:00: This was a combination of having a heart-to-heart with my roommate about life and dorm drama, mediating my roommate's discussion with our friend about their dorm drama, trying to get a great outfit all set for the Drag Ball that I never went to (my friend Minh has a beautiful black and silver tie that I've been dying to find a reason to borrow and wear in public... however, I never got the tie. Sad face), and going to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which was a bizarre experience to say the least. I can't say I've ever wanted to almost get a peek at a dude's genitals while he was wearing a dress. It broke my heart a little.

2:08: Finished writing my whole day's schedule, which I only showed you to make you really believe that my days at Clark are action-packed enough so as to sometimes prevent me from having a moment to blog (and text and post and host, podcast your bastard ass from coast to coast... Sorry, I had a moment.)

Anyway, I promise lots of new fun things soon. Would I lie to you?

Like...

-MAYBE a new Sartorialist-like feature on Clark University fashion (or anywhere else I remember to bring my camera to).
-MAYBE a guest post from the legendary Covino on her new dorky T-shirt.
-DEFINITELY fantasticalness. This is my blog. I can make up whatever words I want to. Fleebleschnitz.

The Last Plastic Straw

You can mess with my enjoyment of the garden. You can foul up the bottom half of humans everywhere. You can make flats that look awfully cute from afar but that are actually made of rubber and thus make me lock myself in the bathroom and cry. You can tear off a child's toe. But you cannot-- I repeat-- CANNOT mess with men's dress shoes. You cannot try to make me believe that some guy is actually looking classy, like in a suit and everything (and we all know it can be a chore to get a guy in a suit) only to discover that what he is wearing is Crocs. No. I will not allow this. Stop the madness, for the love of fashion! For the love of your toes!

The anti-Christ

Just be grateful that I couldn't get this picture any bigger.

My Plaidicament.

Puns always get exponentially worse before they get better.

Anywhoo, for some time, I've had a raging conflict within my very soul when it comes to the idea of plaid apparel. I find it quite lovely, but sometimes I just feel like... I don't know. Like I shouldn't. But what kind of fashionista doubts herself for the sake of others?

Okay. I've made a decision. I want these whether you like it or not.

kohls, $25.97. *

They also come in lovely black and white houndstooth.

Yeah, you see those shoes? I'm going to wear them someday. And I will not be ashamed.

I have a dream that someday my children will live in a world where a girl can wear any shoes she wants, shoes that will be judged by the fabulosity they bring to an ensemble, regardless of the color of their insole lining, the pattern of their toebox, or the jauntiness of their bow. I have a dream....

Take that, haters.

*If your tastes run more towards expensive, these Kohls shoes closely resemble some lovely Sam Edelman ones I found on Piperlime.com.

My Brooks Brothers Boo OR Was That a Top Model Photoshoot?

When I picture the phrase "nerdy chic" in action, in the wild, I picture this:

HOTiting taxes is his biz

Unnecessarily bad puns aside, this Emporio Armani man looks a lot like my favorite high school social studies teacher, who shall from hereon be lovingly known as Sange. The difference, however, is that that Greek God of a man wore a bowtie to class almost every day. He never matched, never clashed; he coordinated. I'm sure there will be another post someday about Sange and the magic of his fashion sense and how he really does have his own personal stylist-type person at Brooks Brothers I swear and always looked perfectly edible and oh my, I miss him. I even got to sit in his car once! I was chosen to go fetch him something from his car, and I'm not ashamed to say that I spent some downtime just sitting in the very seat his lovely bum had graced and feeling like maybe, in another world, we would have been made for each other. The best part was the plaid scarf and the purple polka dot auxilliary bowtie he had by the back window.

I'm getting sidetracked by euphoric memories. My point is, this is the man I think of when I picture a nerd whose mommy does not have to dress him in the morning. This is the kind of nerd I want for my very own, to have and hold hostage. You know?

However, if you happen to google image search "nerdy chic," this is what you get:

Hairless Miss Jay?

To think I had such high hopes....

the Sange-alike is from Emporio Armani spring 2007 ready-to-wear.
the person in confusing footwear is from the Victor Glemaud spring 2007 ready-to-wear collection.

Edgar Salmon Roe

Remember when you were little and you always wanted to taste the Macaroni and Cheese colored crayon to see if it really tasted like macaroni and cheese?

Remember when you were much older and you wanted to taste adorable erasers to see if they really taste like Japanese food?

Fishy

Tea...y

eraser sets found at pencilthings.com for only $7.35 each.

Antonio Banderas, Eat Your Heart Out

It all started over the summer. A friend of mine, the fabulous Covino, and I were innocently enjoying a healthy meal of potato skins and mozzarella sticks, playing on the Gazelle (oh, Tony Little, you're a such a genius), and pretending to do our physics homework when we decided to turn on the TV. I have about 98000 channels at home, but there's never anything on, which is just the Murphy's Law of having Comcast Digital Cable. I even have OnDemand, but who's going to pay $2.99 to watch "Crossroads?" Long story short, we ended up on the Spanish channel. If you've never watched the Spanish channel, you're seriously missing out on a good thing. Want to know why? Zorro. Zorro is why. This version of Zorro has something for everyone (which, by the way, is actually a series call "La Espada y La Rose"). There's a man-woman, a hunchback, a guy with an eyepatch, a dude that keeps waking up in hay for no apparent reason, a whore at a party, and, of course, Zorro, who looks strikingly similar to a former drum major of the marching band I was formerly in in high school. The whole thing is sort've like the freak show that is high school, if you think about it. I mean, who didn't know people who fell into all those zany categories? I bet Bill Gates was his school's hunchback. But I digress.

One day many months later, I received a call from Covino.

"Vanessa!" she exclaimed. She narrowly avoided a heart attack, I'm sure. "I've found the most amazing thing in the entire world!"

Covino directed me to one of my favorite websites in the world, etsy.com. Most of the goods are handmade by craftsy people, but you can also find some pretty sweet vintage pieces. The best part is that, in general, it's pretty damn affordable, and who doesn't love that? Anyway, she found a zorro string doll keychain. There was much rejoicing, especially since we came up with the best idea in the world: ask the user who made the original Zorro to make another one so we could have dorky friendship keychains. She said she would and......

.....Voila! View them in all their glory! Right there! Look below this text!

The Little Guys

If you think they look cute sitting on their little tissue paper blankie, you should just see them in person! Mine is sitting right next to me as I type this, protecting me from Guy With Eyepatch. He's my best friend. For serious. Covino, who isn't as dear to me as Zorro (kidding, kidding), has hers hanging from her rearview mirror. Seriously, she'll never get into an an accident again with Zorro there to slash uncoming tractor trailers to bits with his tiny sword!

Food for Thought-- Vanessa's Favorite Etsians:

-shaizcar (she made the zorros)

-tytrayart (Winona of Daddy Likey loves her, too, I might add)

-glitteryblue (divine handmade jewelry)

-irenesuchoki (some of the most gorgeous photos I've ever seen)

and of course...

-Mdesquire (this one belongs to me and Covino. We don't have anything in our shop at the moment, but it's going to be dorktastic, I promise)

50 Things I've Learned Without Learning Chemistry

1. Surround yourself with gay and/or metrosexual people, as they'll never fail to make you feel good about yourself.

2. Watching fashion shows all day is NOT a waste of time and is totally NOT related to a deterioration in vision or carpal tunnel or dehydration from drooling over pretty clothes.

3. It's important to get stressed when you can't remember what you're stressed about.

4. Avoid cafeteria meats.

5. Thinking about how... inactive your life has been lately makes you even more liable to buy a copy of GQ and lock yourself in your dormroom.

6. In college, every room is a bedroom.

7. At Clark, we do not categorize. Not even the Asians.

8. The results of working out are maximized if you listen to the Rocky soundtrack.

9. It's okay to look in the mirror and think "damn, I'm hot," because everything is relative (to Boobah).

10. I am a bad person and probably going to hell because of #9. You're not really supposed to get it. Bad high school experience.

11. It's okay to be bitter, but not entirely necessary. Karma is a bitch.

12. The reason everyone has an incredibly bitchy friend is that they don't want to see the truth in situations for themselves.

13. Sometimes, crying is the absolute best thing for a person.

14. There's no amount of anger that wailing on a punching bag can't (temporarily) alleviate.

15. Ice cream really does make you feel better when you're sad.

16. Dressing up small dogs is just rediculous and will people (meaning me) think you're an airheaded strumpet.

17. Strumpet is a great word.

18. So is weiner. No, really, say it. You'll laugh. Don't even tell me you didn't, because I don't believe you.

19. People who aren't just a little bit immature are no fun.

20. Every school has the same valedictorian in a different body.

21. You should never keep a loaded gun in your pants, because you'll end up shooting a hole through your penis (true story of a person I don't know).

22. No one really knows how to use a semi-colon. There is always hesitation before using a semi-colon.

23. Using a semi-colon makes a person feel smart.

24. Emo poems are humorous.

25. Spelling things like an Englishman is fun.

26. Your significant others' parents are bound to be fonder of you than that significant other.27. Breaking up is hard to do.

28. Bob Dylan is far from a good singer.

29. Don't hurry love.

30. Mama said there'd be days like these. Listen to your mama. She's usually right. Don't you hate that?

31. Your mom jokes, when told properly, ARE FUNNY. I don't care what you say.

32. Red things and white things like to have sex in the washing machine. When you pull out the white things, they're pink because they're blushing. Duh.

33. People are supposed to eat meat. Point blank. Torturing animals is wrong, eating them is delicious.

34. The best way to make me angry at you is to bitch about the military when they're the ones who fight for your right to bitch about them.

35. The idea of my friends someday having children makes me feel unsafe. Perhaps this is a reflection on my choice of friends.

36. Dance like a whore at every opportunity.

37. Lists should not end on random numbers like 37.

38. Hippos are a great way to scare away intruders.

39. Everyone takes pictures of themself, but when you look at someone else's camera and see that they have taken pictures of themself, it is more than acceptable to act like the person is a loser. And then hide your own camera.

40. Hold hands crossing the street.

41. If Hillary Clinton becomes president of the United States, I will move to North Korea. Not really, but I will at least adopt an accent and pretend that I am no longer an American until she's out of office because I refuse to claim her as my leader.

42. Stop in the name of love.

43. Everyone has an awkward phase. Some people have a longer one than others. Like forever.

44. It is basically a law for girls to think their girlfriends' boyfriends are complete assholes. Especially if the first girls are single.

45. Martial arts movies kick ass *rimshot*

46. The macarena, the YMCA, the cotton-eye Joe, and the cha-cha slide are clinically irresistible.

47. Getting a Facebook is a detriment to one's GPA.

48. Don't talk to strangers, unless you're my best friend's children who she will someday encourage to talk to strangers. Poor little rascals never had a chance....

49. The word "kiddo" is not patronizing. I forget who I heard say that, but they're wrong. My arguement doesn't even need support, that's how true of a fact I am stating.

50. Feminists are just... no.

Letters to People I Don't Know

Dear Misters Dolce and Gabbana,

I would like to congratulate you on a wonderful spring 2008 ready-to-wear collection. I don't know if you were aware, but your clothes usually come off a bit... well, slutty. Maybe it's just the shiny material or the short hems or the whips or the sexually suggestive soundtracks or Gisele. Who am I to judge? But this collection? So many gorgeous fabrics! So many dresses that I would love to wear while grocery shopping! So much paint! So little Gisele!* Really, guys, I loved it like I love my own children that I had to imagine I had birthed in order to comprehend how much I love this visual extravaganza of awesome. Bravo.

Love,
Vanessa

*Disclaimer: Gisele Bundchen, if you're reading this right now, I think your YSL ads are amazing and I would gouge my own eyes out with a grapefruit spoon to look as kickass as you do in lingerie.

I'll Take "Clothing Lines That Make Me Uncomfortable" for $500, Alex

I always think that the next time I go to the American Apparel site, I'm going to be way less creeped out than the last time. "Maybe I was just imagining how pornographic this all seems," I tell myself. By pornographic, I mean pornographic on a totally different level than, say, Abercrombie&Fitch. Those models look like they want to be photographed. They made a decision to be a pictured practically naked on a giant poster in a dimly lit rave-like environment for teenagers and disapproving mothers everywhere to see. American Apparel models, however, look like Dov Charney chased their underage-looking behinds down in the forest, captured them (perhaps they would've fared better wearing sweatshorts?), and keeps them in cages, only freeing them to put them in cheaply-made neon leggings.

Oh, to be so lucky as to have ugly leggings....

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Do you see any common threads in these models? Here, I'll help:

1) A complete lack of life in the eyes that conveys a sense of hopelessness. In fact, I would go so far as to call it a void. See the void?

2) A complete lack of pants where there really ought to be pants.

3) Nipples (the second one is much more subtle). These are by far not the most extreme examples of nippleage on the American Apparel site (and there are many; in fact, pretty much every picture is a wardrobe malfunction), but I feel like this would enter into the realm of being pornographic if I showed you those.

4) You get the impression that these models are--for a lack of better terminology-- completely cracked out. They aren't really standing on their own, actually. They're like the fake trees you set up for the Christmas play in elementary school, propped up by cheap planks of wood. Especially the second girl.

5) Subtle fear.

There is something so utterly wrong about this. If those pictures and my handy-dandy list don't convince you, visit http://www.americanapparel.net/ and see for yourself. But maybe don't buy anything. I don't know about you, but it would make me feel all icky inside.

Someday, I will break into American Apparel headquarters and unlock all the dungeons, break all the shackles, and free these girls. "Run free, exploited models, run free!" I would cry. And then I would take them out for jeans and bras and methadone.

Karl 1, Lindsay 0

I think it's a crime to want this shoe as badly as I do right now.

Chanel shoe, as seen on Anna Barsukova's Disembodied Leg

Yes, to some wearing shoes like these would seem as obnoxious as those signature Chanel earrings that seem to come standard with all thugs and middle-school girls who "earn" allowances that make payday seem like a joke, but I love them. Well, not with the little anklet purse (please don't let this become a trend). I would take that off, even though it's an amazing shot at Lindsay Lohan. I wonder if Karl and La Lohan are still Biffles (Best Friends For Life, for those of you who have successfully blocked the horrors of 8th grade from your memory) after this.
Oh, Karl, you're the wittiest, most fabulous 17th century biker/cowboy/rockstar I've ever had the pleasure to pretend to know.

I'm an Alien, I'm an Alien, I'm an Alien...

I have no idea how many times I've watched the first not-even-half of the Dior spring 2008 ready-to-wear show. I can't complain; I'm totally adoring the menswear-inspired outfits, and, you know, Sting, who only makes me think of the tantric sex and oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-that-other-singer-in-Desert-Rose-is-a-dude. Mostly, though, I've watched it so many times because I've been attempting to see the whole thing for the second time, but the Dior site has decided to shove its proverbial head in the oven everytime I get anywhere near the middle. Being the stubborn person I am, I keep restarting the show.

So, since I'm waiting for it to load once again, I would like to show you the looks that I would sell my soul for.

This dress goes in the "Dresses That I Would've Worn to Prom if I Could Go Back in Time and the Prince of Brunei Were My Best Friend Who Buys Me Stuff." It's especially great when you see the back, which has a little criss-crossy (that's the technical fashion term) in the back.

This will be my wedding outfit. First I need a boyfriend. And Weight Watchers. And money.

If I owned this suit, I would never take it off. Even in the shower. I would just cover myself in Saran Wrap first. How would I get clean, you ask? I wouldn't, but it would be worth it.

'WORK IT, GIRL' HONORABLE MENTIONS

Tyra would be so proud. The dress isn't my favorite, but Alison Nix totally worked it. Girl.

Lily Donaldson also worked it in a slutty and adorable manner. More importantly, I shall wear this to job interviews. Modest, no?

Time for to learn about Burma. Ta-ta for now!

BANG!

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. Literally. She was 4'11", which is way too short to reach her coffeemaker without a stool and two phonebooks. This little girl wanted to be a princess. More precisely, she wanted to be a fabulously fashionable, desperately dorky princess, like with a frog prince of her very own who would do her calculus homework and only shop at Brooks Brothers. Ah, yes, that would be the life. And all day she would sit at her computer and watch fashion shows and eat raw cookie dough without gaining a single pound. After a hard day of vegging, the tiny princess would go read a little bit of War and Peace to get ready for bed. Her nightgowns would be made of the finest silks (you know, like ones that John Galliano himself had touched!) and her bed would actually be made of Cool Whip and joy. In her dreams, every dashing young gentleman would be under a spell to believe her unmatchably ravishing and worthy of every granule of their attentions.

Then, on October 8th, 2007, a very good day indeed, the little girl decided that she needed to take control of her dreams. A dream is certainly not worth having if all one wishes to do is sit around and wait for it to transpire. See, not only did she want to be a princess, but more than anything she wished to be a fashion columnist and poet. Yes, that would be much better than going to medical school, even though she did have a macabre fascination with the dead. There is money in being a medical examiner, but there are fabulous perks to writing for Vogue. Being a clever girl, she decided that it was time to start a blog. After all, eighteen years is a long time for the whole wide world to go without experiencing such fabulosity and wit and unaffected charm as hers.

And God said unto bored net junkies everywhere "Let there be blog!" And it was good.